


day nine - prompt #124

by MarkJinFicFest, nestine



Series: Forever and A Day - MarkJinFicFest [18]
Category: GOT7
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-22
Updated: 2017-09-22
Packaged: 2019-01-03 22:11:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 23,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12155823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarkJinFicFest/pseuds/MarkJinFicFest, https://archiveofourown.org/users/nestine/pseuds/nestine
Summary: Prompt no: 124Prompt: Jinyoung counts his heartbeats so he distances himself to everyone. Mark, on the other hand, believes everyone should live their life to the fullest but he is utterly clueless when it comes to love. And when Mark meets Jinyoung, he teaches him to live. (Based from  Toki Doki One Shot by Komi Naoshi)Title: A vaillant Coeur rien d'ImpossibleAuthor: nestineSide pair: mentions of 2jaeRating: PG-13Word count: 23.5k





	day nine - prompt #124

**Author's Note:**

> The last months have been rough and I never thought I could finish this but I'm really happy that finally, I did it. It took me several hurdles and detours but I survived. Thank you to Jeng -to the endless encouragement and for believing that I'll be able to finish this. I hope you guys enjoy reading this little gift to all the people who adore, love Mark and Jinyoung.

_A valliant Coeur rien d’ impossible_ \- the words shimmer in gold calligraphy printed into a black leather planner Mark had found lying on the ground along aisle D of the library.  He read the words slowly – almost inaudible – unsure of the correct pronunciation but the intricate golden print has certainly caught his attention. For a while, his mind wondered the meaning behind the phrase or perhaps a sentence, he wasn't quite sure, but at that certain moment, it didn’t matter even if he had no idea what language it was because there existed a specific profound feel to it – something akin to a romantic inclination. And Mark could not help but read the words again, _a valliant coeur rien d’ impossible_.

 

It took him seconds before Mark realized he had plentiful unfinished task on his plate and as much as Mark desired to uncover the meaning behind the foreign words, he had to set it aside as his cleaning duty was his top priority or else he would have had to endure a sanction.

 

For Mark, the planner was yet another discarded tangible object that was added to the list of his inventory for the Lost and Found items in the library. And Mark remembered, he only had a week left before he managed to complete the required volunteer hours every student must accomplished for the whole school year. In conclusion, he needed to speed up so he could free up his schedule for the whole year.

 

Re-arranging books and re-organizing misplaced ones while simultaneously classifying them into their respective aisles were quite a handful job but it was just a part of the long list of To Dos in Mark’s daily routine but Mark refused to complain though. He wouldn’t want to tarnish his school ranking, in addition to, doing the 40-hour volunteer service would earn him a good standing with the professors. Mark aimed to be in a place reflecting a positive disposition with the higher ups for him to be put into the good side. And the good side meant a bigger chance to lessen failed marks.

 

No failing marks was one of the requirements to be a part of the Performing Arts Club – and Mark could not afford to drop out of the club because of poor class performance. And him withdrawing from the club for any reason would be the worst that could happen during his university life for he cannot - not dance. Dance had been his escape to the world filled with disappointments and an ominous future.

 

Mark Tuan was a sophomore college student who alternated his studies and extracurricular activities quite well. He took them both seriously but still managed to enjoy everything _\- the best of both worlds_ \- academically unproblematic and extra-circularly active - all at once. But Mark was not the kind of student who aced the entire curriculum nor the one who patiently studied without a miss but he tried his best to be above average. The reason that has triggered Mark to do well with his lessons was his love and passion for dancing because no student who has a failing grade can ever be part of the Performing Arts Club, so he did his best - in both worlds.

 

“Markie-poo!” An obnoxious loud sound echoed in an almost empty library 5 minutes before it closed and a familiar but irritating person wandered around searching for Mark. Mark groaned as heard his best friend’s voice boomed all over the place supposedly dedicated for stillness and quietness. He placed the black planner temporarily on an empty shelf - and mentally noted to come back for it, drop it off at the Lost and Found section after he finished decluttering the whole room.

 

“Hello, Markie, are you here?”

 

Mark sighed and desperately wanted to hurdle away his friend Jackson for many different reasons. Mostly because Mark has hated the nickname ever since Jackson created it for him which was when they first met, 4 years ago, but no amount of protest preventing the nickname to be used was of no use. And maybe because Jackson clearly disturbed all the remaining but few students in a supposedly quiet room. Lucky for him though, the librarian clocked out for work earlier and left Mark to care for the whole library, or else Mrs. Choi would have had sent Jackson to a possible detention.

 

“Ma--” Jackson called him once more, quite audibly again, but was cut halfway through when Mark appeared from the corner of aisle D shooting bullets through his eyes -  revealing himself in public while the daggers Mark threw at his friend left unnoticed. Jackson abruptly saw him and a wide grin instantaneously appeared on Jackson's face.

 

“There you are.” Jackson announced, still using the same decibel count of his normal speaking voice.

 

Mark internally cursed but he deemed it appropriate to do it verbally, too.

 

 

“Can you lower down your fucking voice. We’re in the library.” He hissed as silently as possible when Jackson was already half a meter in front of him.

 

Mark can almost see the invisible light bulb above Jackson’s head as the realization sunk in. Sometimes, Mark wondered how his friend survived his day - being intensely carefree, unknowingly oblivious and sometimes - most of the time - annoying as hell.

 

Jackson began to panic, “just a moment” he whispered to Mark, still audibly loud. And scrambled away. “I’m so sorry” was what Jackson offered to every remaining student present in the library. Mark sighed in defeat, he would never have the same amount of energy, naivety and foolishness that Jackson possessed - he didn't want to, though. He decided it would be the best if he continued to sort out the books and leave Jackson to solve his own implemented self-worries.

 

 When Jackson finished his rounds of apologies, he instantly made his way to Mark who was now on aisle G, stocking up the books alphabetically on the top shelf.

 

“Hey, man!” Jackson greeted, eyes sparkling with glitter and Mark knew something good must have happened for him to receive such googly eye stares. “What time will you finish” Jackson soon asked.

 

“I need to close the library, make sure everything isn’t a mess and that means the books must be sorted out and put into their respective places.”

 

Jackson frowned, clearly not amused “That’s not a specific time, Markie.”

 

“Because I don’t know what time I’ll finish, Jacks”

 

“You need to move your ass a little quicker then.”

 

“Why not help me instead?” Mark sighed as he placed the collection of anecdote during the Old Joseon era, the last book he needed to tidy up to cross out aisle G on his list.

 

 

“I just retired from this library duty last week. I’m now officially allergic to books” Jackson replied but continued to tail along Mark. “And you know how much I loathed cleaning” He faked puking, but back to his agitated self right after.

 

“Why are you so worked up?” Mark asked seeing how squirrelly his friend was acting. Honestly, Mark was partially curious but he would not want to press on the matter, because if he did, Jackson would really, no matter how absurd it may be, find ways to persuade him into ditching the library chore.

 

“I’m not.” Jackson raised his defense but the truth manifested on his bodily actions, “I’m just a little over the top.” He grinned. But Jackson was too obvious and Mark, just know how to play the game. He was sure Jackson would have hated to be ignored when he’s excited.

 

“Okay” Mark replied feigning disinterest. Although he has an enough curiosity to spark an interest, Mark wouldn’t give Jackson the benefit of knowing he is curious.

 

Jackson frowned noticing how his friend was apathetic to his news, but he tried again, “I’d really like to tell you but iId rather not, you need to see it for yourself, dude.” He encouraged more, wanting Mark to show some required enthusiasm.

 

“Then wait until I finish” Mark replied and walked over to aisle H, ignoring the dumbstruck expression Jackson was contorting on his face. Mark emphasized that he had 7 more aisles to check gesturing the location of the shelves lined up and Jackson took notice of the remaining aisles still needed to be attended. Mark knew he already won over the conversation because in no way Jackson could prevent himself from talking for at least another 30 minutes. Mark certainly wouldn't have to wait long enough to know the certain news Jackson has for him that could make him want to ditch library duties.

 

It didn’t even take a minute before Jackson opened his mouth to speak.

 

“There’s a musical performance at the end of the year.” Jackson was a little jumpy and hands wriggling everywhere expressing his excitement over his announcement. Mark paused, halted from his tracks, and he let the words sunk in. Year-end musical performances were the biggest events in the university because anyone or any group enrolled in the university could try out and get picked regardless if they were in an official club or not. The panel of judges was professionals in the entertainment industry for the event would be open not only to the university students but to the public as well.

 

There were only 2 persons left on the library by the time, a couple on the far end of the room. Probably making out or something and the library should be closed by now, Mark needed to turn over the sign too so no one could come in anymore but none of these mattered right at the moment because Mark’s heartbeat had sped up.

 

“I got us a slot in the auditions.” Jackson revealed with a smug grin, quite proud on his accomplishments.

 

Mark has been dreaming of performing for a large crowd, wanting to dance in front of many people and the year-end performance meant he’ll have a chance to showcase his talent. Jackson was annoying most of the time, but at the end of the day, Mark surprisingly loved him for it, he was his best friend after all.

 

“Jackson!” Mark excitedly replied, the previous annoyance turned into gratitude in a matter of a split second, “I could kiss you right now!” He added as he abruptly hugged his friend.

 

“Eww. No.” Jackson wiggled away, “Stop it. Go away” He said but Mark tightened his hold - still feeling thankful.

 

“You’re the best, man!” Words weren't enough and Mark mentally promised himself he should treat Jackson and the whole gang to a hearty meal before the whole audition fiasco would start.

 

“Now, can we please leave the library and join the club practice. We need to meet the guys for our audition piece. Planning is important” Jackson begged, shaking his whole body in excitement. “Besides, we still have several small performances to fit into our schedule. We need to plan. You are really needed there.”

As much as Mark was overjoyed - and this moment warranted a celebration, he could totally ditch library duty but he remembered he was doing school chore for him to be able to keep his membership in the Performing Arts Club. The big revelation Jackson leaked could potentially be the best news Mark has received in a long time but he could not just abandon his tasks, “Not until we finish up to Aisle N.” Mark grinned, pushed Jackson a little and coaxed him into helping, “Don’t just stand there, go and help me with sorting everything so we can leave.” He poked.

 

“Ugh” Jackson just finished school duty last week and he also hated cleaning up - he rarely tidied up his bed nor clean his closest. He always asks someone to do the dishes for him, he even hired a laundry lady to sort out and clean his dirty clothes. He survived library duties because he charmed other people to help him to do the chores for him.

 

“If you don’t, we’ll have to stay until 9” Mark hummed, walking away. He well knew Jackson would follow his requests.

 

Jackson objected and verbally declined a couple of times, muttering several nonsense protests and some curses too but he was walking towards unfinished aisles, doing everything Mark said anyways.

 

“Please shoo away the couple making out at the back, you know I have a weak heart and cannot stand seeing scandalous moments” Mark declared and hopped on aisle I ignoring the groans and grunts from his best friend.

 

“And one last thing, it’ll be really helpful if you turn over the sign at the door.” Mark looked back into Jackson as he added yet another task. He didn’t miss the raised middle finger thrown at him as Jackson made his way towards the door of the library, doing the added labor Mark forced him to do.

 

 

***

 

 

 

Library duties were finished before 7 much to Jackson’s satisfaction and the club practice usually started at 8. Mark and Jackson undeniably had plenty of time left but the latter was conspicuously eager to start planning for their audition routine; Mark was as enthusiastic as his best friend but he was just more reserved and he limited overly excessive actions.

 

The school hallways were almost empty - just a bunch of seniors roaming around classrooms struggling to locate the professors they needed to beg to get plus points until they reach the passing line. There were some who, just like Mark and Jackson, were running errands or attending respective club meetings and practices.

 

A typical school year plus the added bonus of having the chance to perform at the year-end activities and Mark couldn’t have asked for more. It was perfect as it was. Performing Arts Club was established to cater students who loved to perform - whether one enjoyed singing, spoken word poetry, acting or dancing. The practices were scheduled every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, those were the days Mark deemed the best. The club room was a building away from the library and sadly, was not connected together. They would pass by the large oak tree which Mark claimed as his, just in front of the main drop off and pick up point for the students who either were fetched by their parents or those booked private transportation or taxis.

 

When Mark’s classes were cancelled or if they were given an early dismissal, he usually stayed under the shade of the old tree, it was a solace of some sort - acting as a reminder of old age - of the possibilities of a bleak future.

 

“What’s that?” Jackson suddenly piqued an interest on the notebook Mark was holding. “Are you pulling a Dear Diary now?” He scoffed after pulling out a typical stunt he usually delivered to Mark.

 

Mark shrugged in return, “I found it in the library. A student must have left it”

 

If Jackson was surprised that his little teasing was left unnoticed, he didn't dwell on it longer. Mark let the insult slide because Jackson has earned himself a one-time opportunity to tease him for the day but mostly because Mark was surprised at himself too, wondering how he held onto the black notebook longer than he should have.

 

Mark, honestly, didn't recall the reason why he kept the notebook.  He was supposed to drop it off at the librarian’s pile of lost and found items. But decided the other way around, without any profound reason, thinking he had plenty of time to return it tomorrow.

 

They passed by the old tree and now entering the MEP building where the club rooms were situated. It looked beautiful even though it’s night time. There was a silhouette of a person Mark didn’t recognize but he hoped the old tree could provide the same solace to that person.

 

As both Mark and Jackson arrived at the club room; Yugyeom and Bambam were waiting at the far end of the room; Jaebum, the dance leader, was sorting out _cds_ and tapes. The voice team was at the other end of the room but was already scurrying to tidy up their place possibly relocating to some other empty practice rooms so they can start their vocal practice. The other members of the club greeted them too - everyone was in high spirits knowing the news about the year-end performances. Surely, every member would audition to have a shot in being part of the event. Mark hoped, a lot of them would be chosen.

 

When BamBam noticed Mark and Jackson approaching, he quickly ran towards them wrapping his right arm into Mark’s shoulder.

 

“Hyuuuuunnggg” Bambam cooed, excitement evident on his face, “This is it. Finally,” He said, eyes full of hope.

 

“I’ve been waiting for this.” Mark replied, grin plastered on his face and confidently uttered a reply, “The only option we have is to ace the audition.” He concluded with enthusiasm, hoping for a possibility of a positive outcome.

 

 

 

***

 

 

It was Tuesday, a day after their first audition practice, and Mark’s body was sore - probably because of the warm up routine they did during the club practice. It has been a while since he had to stretch his body like he was a gymnast preparing for the Olympics. The dance leader Jaebum didn’t have any remorse on his team members. Although it was exhausting, they have sorted out the all-member practice schedules as well as the teams who would audition for the year-end performances.

 

Mark felt fulfilled, still, he could feel the strains on his muscles, and the pain prodding to every move he made - no matter how little it was. And that was why he could not entirely concentrate on the lessons.

 

Jackson suddenly squished Mark’s right arm, “Jesus -fuc--” Mark almost yelled but contained himself when he saw his professor stared at him threateningly. He lowered his head for an apology and silently cursed at his friend, “What the fuck is your problem, Wang?”

 

“Oh, last name indication is the best. I like the way you say Wang” Jackson laughed hysterically, his usual I’m here to piss you off today because I’m your best friend self. He repeated mimicking Mark’s accented tone, “Wang!” quite loudly.

 

“Wang” Jackson repeated wriggling his eyebrows in the process. “Wang”

 

“Yes, Mr. Wang? What is it that you like to share to everybody?” Mr. Jung took notice of the noise Jackson created and called his attention, the whole class turned silent - intrigued over the sudden name drop “Or would you just like to introduce yourself?” The professor pressed on, “Why not do it in front?” He suggested and Mark praised the heavens for the solution to the tiresome person beside him.

 

Jackson was surprised but wasn’t really ashamed, he apologized and detoured the situation so it won’t come off as an embarrassment and made it into a funny scene by actually wanting to go in front by standing up and attempting to walk but quickly made excuses, “I would love to, Mr. Jung, but they already know me.” He shrugged, winked and pretended to shoot his classmates with his hands turned into guns. It earned him a couple of _hurrays_ and laughs - a typical reaction to Jackson’s excessive self-confidence everyone adored. And then Jackson promised to tone down his incredibly wild attitude, gesturing to zip his mouth shut and raising his right palm as a sign of promise, but as if he could really do that.

 

“If there’s anyone who would like to introduce themselves, you can come in front so your new classmate won’t be nervous when he does his.” Mr. Jung explained and suddenly, the students were like bees locating for honey buzzing to the news of a new person joining them quite late on the year.

 

“I’d still like it if you volunteer yourself, Mr. Wang.” Mr Jung said raising the volume of his voice clearing out unwanted noises from his students.

 

It was unlikely to have a new student transferred two months after the semester started. There was already a rumor circulating amongst the Performing Arts Majors even before Mr. Jung announced it officially - many have claimed the new guy was a special case, not that Mark believed in rumors anyways.

 

But it was today, the English II class, when Mark first saw him - head bowed down walked silently and carefully after Mr. Jung briefly notified the class that a new student will be added to his roster of kids to fail - it was a joke but  when the new student only nodded in response possibly believing everything he heard without even a hint of defiance, excitement or any other emotion - Mr. Jung needed to explain his side which earned a hilarious output from the class except that the new guy didn't join in the fun.

 

 _Park Jinyoung._ The new guy uttered his name delicately as if revealing his identity was too much of a hassle already.

 

There were murmurs and giggles from the girls at the far end of the room - probably gushing over the handsome lad in front. Mark could not deny - the new guy was attractive but Mark has a different word choice to illustrate and label the new guy – he could not just pin point at the moment what it was. Mark shrugged and didn't dwell on it any longer as he could still feel his muscles sore and his priority was to alleviate the pain and focus on his lessons.

 

The classes began as usual, the new guy was seated at the second row just beside the window. It was as if predestined, Mark had a clear view of him from his seat located at the third row near the door. It was as if fate had put the exact space for him so Mark could see the new guy perfectly from his spot. He didn't intend to, though, but something about Jinyoung was gravitating. And soon, though his prime concern was the aching he felt on almost every part of his body, unknowingly, Mark’s attention was pulled into the newcomer. Jackson was nudging Mark on his right abdomen but Mark was busy _stari--_ observing. There was something enticing about the new guy that pulled Mark into a reverie. Maybe it was the concealed sadness emitted from Jinyoung’s eyes that most people could not decipher although Mark instantly has noticed it - like Jinyoung was a diary he found and uncovered.

 

Mark had not realized he had been entranced by everything encompassing Park Jinyoung and only noticed he had been staring when the professor bid his goodbye marking the end of the class. Mark thought his previous actions could only lead to complications and he mentally noted that he should not in any way repeat it.

 

_But sometimes, fate had a different plan._

 

Mark learned over the week that he had almost the same schedule as Jinyoung sans the physical education and humanities classes. Having to listen to Jinyoung repeat his greeting multiple times due to the insistent demand of the college professors on formal introductions, Mark observed how robotic Jinyoung acted. His voice sounded the same as the first time Mark heard it - delicate, deep, but filled with unwanted grief.

 

But not like the first class that he unknowingly observed Jinyoung, Mark became aware of his curiosity and told himself that he was just intrigued on why Jinyoung rarely - never smiles even when a hilarious scene was happening in front of his eyes. Or why Jinyoung always had to be left out whenever there were physical activities involved or why was Jinyoung always careful with the way he interacted with other people, and the way his actions seemed restricted or why Jinyoung never joined any clubs. And the list continued, the more Mark observed - Jinyoung would always separate himself from large crowds, singling himself out of festivities and would always – always looked as if he was disinterested in living. The professors treated him differently, with care and compassion - like he was a fragile flower - slowly withering.

 

 

It was easy to keep his eyes on Jinyoung for they shared several classes together, he also learnt over the past weeks that Jinyoung frequented the library - spent almost all his break time away from crowded places - enjoying the serene atmosphere all by himself. Not that he followed Jinyoung around, it was purely coincidental to know Jinyoung's schedule. He also usually spot Jinyoung by the bench under Mark’s oak tree when Mark passed by it on his way to club practice. That was Mark’s tree but Jinyoung could use it if he wanted to, because Mark was kind, sharing meant caring.

 

But to Mark’s pure dismay, they haven’t had any conversation together - but on a side note, no one has ever had a proper exchange of words with Jinyoung. It was like Jinyoung secluded his area, built up an entire wall around him and no doors were opened to anyone.

 

And that was when Mark’s curiosity perked up a bit more. He convinced himself that it was purely out of curiosity and although he let himself believe in a lie he knew existed, Mark continued to unwillingly be interested with everything comprising Park Jinyoung.

 

Mark found himself staring at Jinyoung most of the time and would always remind himself that it would be too creepy if Jinyoung noticed him gawking so Mark tried to divert his attention all the time but somehow, Jinyoung was like a magnet and Mark was pulled into him over and over again - _every single time._

 

Weeks went by like a blink of an eye and Mark noticed Jinyoung’s disposition improved over time. There were classmates who tried to engage him into conversations and surprisingly, at certain times, Jinyoung joined in the discussion - a noticeable changed from his first week - but still kept his sentences as short as possible.

 

And out of all the days, Mark still hadn't seen Jinyoung smile. But it seemed Jinyoung was just like any student at his age too - had a fair share of likes and wants too. Mark observed how Jinyoung’s eyes - even for a nanoscale - sparkled during their Music major. And whenever there would be performances in the school theater, Mark had always seen Jinyoung at the back of the place, observing - admiring.

 

Mark also comprehended Jinyoung’s love for books was exceptional as the latter often borrowed several novels from the library all at the same time. Jinyoung would spent most of his free time reading and always had a book in hand. For Mark, it was refreshing to witness a college university student who was engrossed in books even when technology already dominated the entire world.

 

Mark’s interest then heightened even more. He started to frequently find a way to know where Jinyoung was - what Jinyoung was doing. The last thing he knew, he had memorized Jinyoung’s schedule. He wasn't stalking - totally different from being a creep that was always in Jinyoung’s shadow. He only had been engrossed in making his schedule similar to Jinyoung's but still hadn’t gotten the confidence to strike a conversation. Admittingly, Mark was kind of contented observing Jinyoung from afar but being the latter’s friend was an option Mark would like to take in a heartbeat any time - anywhere but sadly, Mark didn't have enough courage to initiate a move.

 

And as he continued to observe whenever he has time, Mark had realized it was nearing the winter break and they only had a month left before the auditions. And a month had already passed since Jinyoung had transferred to their university. How time flew in a bizarre yet fleeting manner, Mark thought.

 

And although Mark won’t admit; something about Jinyoung had triggered Mark’s heart to rapidly beat - uncontrolled, unsettled. And sadly, it might result to something troubling.

 

***

 

 

“You’re late” Jackson scolded, he wasn’t amused at the fact Mark had been coming late to the practices and Jackson rarely have _I’m sulking today_ episode, “Again” He added, eyebrows knitting together. Mark was guilty of slacking off during their team group practices but he had a valid reason for it.

 

“Library duties.” Mark apologized and quickly made his way to Jackson and wrapped an arm around his shoulder and squeezed it tight, assuring he meant his apology genuinely.

 

Jackson rolled his eyes, upset over the fact that Mark was noticeably tardy for many days as he grumbled silently, “I swear to God, Markie.”

 

Mark abruptly removed his hold and threw a light punch into Jackson’s left arm.

 

“Jackson, if you don’t stop with that stupid nickname, I’m going to strangle you every time you call me that” Mark swore and Jackson grinned teasingly obviously back at his old self already.

 

Bambam and Yugyeom laughed hysterically having to witness the scene repeatedly for the past 2 years they have known the duo, they had found the entire scenario a laughable matter, realizing the friendship they have for each other would not be easily scarred by petty little matters.

 

It was a thing about genuine and sincere friendship – any roadblock or detour even as simple as a basic argument can be mended over in a short span of time and would be treated as if nothing happened – no grudges nor stained memories.

 

“You should quit being the library assistant, hyung” Yugyeom suggested after all have calmed down and Jackson li-lowed on his unrelenting teasing, “It's tiresome.”

 

Mark grinned and tapped Yugyeom’s shoulder lightly, “I'm okay. I kind of like it. It keeps my mind off of things.” And it was the truth. Although he had left a few important points such as being the library assistant  gave him the opportunity to naturally see Jinyoung and casually admire the latter from afar. But he didn’t lie, and it was an integral part of friendship – admitting the truth. Life was too short to experience broken friendships.

 

“Chit chat later – practice now.” Jackson interrupted as he blasted their music into the speaker - cutting any possible way of communication. It was their team group practice and although they have developed and choreographed the steps - mostly Yugyeom and Jaebum worked together to complete it - they had still a long way to go to perfect every move.

 

“Yes, Jackson” Yugyeom yelled against the eardrum-ripping volume over the surround system in the practice room. “Jaebum hyung still not here, though” As he went to the stereo and lowered down the volume of the music before anybody reported them for disrupting peace and order or excessive noise - might be both.

 

“Jackson hyung for you” Jackson screamed back. “I swear to god, if Jaebum is on a date, I’ll see to it that he’ll --- ”

 

“You’ll see to it that, what?” Jaebum suddenly appeared on the door, cutting whatever Jackson was trying to imply. Jackson shut his mouth as soon as he heard Jaebum, he coughed and diverted his attention immediately. If there was a person Jackson was afraid of, it was Jaebum.

 

Mark, Bambam and Yugyeom laughed out loud together as Jackson scrambled to get out of the mess he created. It was this kind of environment – the feeling of happiness enveloped in a bizarre love-hate relationship was one of the reasons Mark had loved Korea – it wasn’t the country itself but the people in it. And Mark could not help but imprint this scene on his memories.

 

“You've memorized all the newly added steps, right?” Jackson intrigued accusingly - his attention diverted to Mark, raising his voice quite loudly, now pinning Mark on the spot.

 

Mark was prepared though, he grinned confidently, raised a thumbs up and winked as the confidence he never really knew he had built on him. It was purely God’s doing when he was gifted with the talent to memorize the steps just by looking at them. Sometimes, he was amazed at himself too for this special ability, and realized when you lack at one thing – you would most likely be good at other things. He lacked on many other aspects but this unique talent he had always came in handy, especially because he loves dancing.

 

“It's really unfair, you know.” Bambam revealed, pouting, “Mark hyung would always learn the dance moves by watching it once while here we are being tortured by Yugyeom and Jaebum hyung.”

 

“Mark hyung is a dancing machine, ya' know” Yugyeom praised while gesturing a double thumbs up.

 

“I'm not!” Mark chuckled, completely denying the absurd compliment, “You are.”

 

“I said, chit chat later - practice now.” Jackson insisted as he proceeded on the floor, pulling Bambam in, encouraging the latter to start practicing because Jaebum was already approaching Jackson and Jackson intended to sway Jaebum’s attention away from him at all cost

 

“You dug your own grave, Jackson” Mark claimed, excited to see how Jaebum would finally skin Jackson alive. It was a letdown though when Jaebum seemed to be in a good mood as he let the matter easily dropped, much to Jackson’s relief, and proceeded to take his own spot in the dance floor. Yugyeom followed through marking the start of the severe practice.

 

“I hope everyone of you memorized the routine already” Jaebum announced, “because if Mark catches anyone with a mistake, you’ll dance repeatedly until you perfect the choreography.” Jaebum threatened with a strong certain finality he exclusively has and everyone felt chills ran down their spines. Mark, labeled as the spotter, even in the whole of the Performance Arts Club, was always tasked to spot mistakes and call the attention of the person who committed them.

 

Mark adjusted the volumes and started playing their music and then he walked to the front of the room to do what he does best - observe and point out mistakes.

 

“This will be a very fun night” He told himself.

 

***

 

 

“See you tomorrow, Mark hyung” Bambam waved his hands, a backpack on his back while Yugyeom stretched his hands too as he trailed behind the other guy.

 

“You guys take care on your way home” Mark reminded as he flashed his friends a toothy grin. The practice had been a milestone, much to Jaebum’s satisfaction. They had finally perfected the whole choreography after a couple of repeats and mistakes. Yugyeom danced twice while Jackson and Bambam had danced to the song repeatedly for 4 times - Mark took pity on them after the third time and turned a blind eye on the several little mistakes they did. In the end, though exhausted, they had all together completed and perfected the choreography and they still have a month left to polish small gestures and possibly include another routine. The night was filled with fun and satisfaction -it made Mark’s heart flutter in all the positive ways.

 

“Good job.” Jaebum complimented. “We’re going to ace this.” He added assuring that their efforts weren’t going down the drain. Jaebum has that ability – of somewhat acting as the person who delivers confidence – of all the positivity in the world. And Mark was thankful for having Jaebum as his friend.

 

Jackson interrupted, laughed and pointed at himself, “Of course, I’m the ace.” He said, proudly. Claiming he would be the reason for their victory.  

 

But Jaebum literally took no attention, turned a blind eye on what Jackson had alleged and continued to talk to Mark instead, “You need to do backflips after Yugyeom and Bam’s dance break, will that be okay? That’ll be the highlight.”

 

“Yes, yes” Mark replied, laughing because Jackson’s expression after being ignored and rejected by Jaebum was to die for. It was a sight to behold, should be captured, framed and hanged into a museum. It was a mixture of disappointment and anger but Jackson was trying hard to contain it to himself.

 

“I’ll go ahead, then! See you tomorrow” Jaebum bid goodbye, slightly tapping Mark’s shoulder. Still ignoring whatever Jackson was feeling

 

“Take care!” Mark replied.

 

Jackson was still frozen on his spot but immediately recovered when Jaebum called his attention, “Are you coming with me or should I leave you here?” The older asked.

 

Jackson groaned but followed Jaebum’s lead, still. “Bye, Markie” He uttered while running towards the retreating figure of Jaebum.

 

Mark was the only one left in the hallway. Some of the practice rooms had lights still on - there were still students in the university possibly practicing for their respective performances. 

 

And although Mark had felt really worn out, he chose not to go home just yet. Besides, he currently stayed at a dorm and he had the room all for himself; why not try to enjoy the little freedom he had. He decided to spend some time in the oak tree while watching the video of their practice. Because it was late, he had not expected to see someone resting on the bench under tree and since he didn’t have any right or sort of possession over the spot, he could really ask the person to move out of the space – _so much for the needed tranquility._

He decided to leave just then but what he had not expect to notice the person under the oak tree was none other than Park Jinyoung. A sudden short-circuit on his arteries materialized. It was so abrupt, Mark froze on his spot. It was a sight to behold, how Park Jinyoung soft features were highlighted by the fairy lights on the tree and how delicate he had been playing with a cat.

_Mark lingered a little longer; but he did not know why._

 

There was something about Park Jinyoung and he could not really explain what. _The night was really perfect afterall._

 

***

A chance encounter all thanks to Jackson’s clumsiness and over exaggeration. But Mark would forever be, _but secretly_ , indebted to Jackson for this day. Mark got a free pass for today but was sent to the nurse’s office just because Jackson accidently tripped and pushed Mark hard on the wall. No broken bones, not even bruises but Jackson’s excessive reactions made the teacher believe Mark needed to rest and so he did. But on his way to the nurse’s office, he passed by the music room and heard someone playing the piano; out of curiosity he tried to peek and once again, his heart had leaped.

 

_Park Jinyoung._

It was one of the memories imbedded in mark’s mind that he would look back and understood something he wished he realized a little earlier.

 

But currently, Mark forgot about the trip to the nurse’s office as his ears had been blessed with a beautiful tune and his heart had been touched with an unexplainable feeling he would want to feel over and over again.

 

***

 

“Are you secretly dating someone?” Jackson suddenly dropped an unexpected question, the first time he initiated the conversation for the day. Jackson had been unusually quiet the past hours, only decided to talk when he was asked - even the obnoxious laugh was gone. The sudden change in Jackson’s demeanor had everyone in the edge of their seats – noticing how the ever-talkative, life of the party Wang Jackson was not in his usual bubbly self. Mark didn’t dare to ask his best friend on what was wrong and although he had to answer a few questions from their classmates regarding Jackson’s mood which he honestly replied that he had no idea – in the end, everyone concluded Jackson was just tired and needed some sleep.

 

But Mark knew better. He waited for Jackson to be the one to tell him what was bothering him because Jackson didn’t like to be asked, rather, he always wanted to be the first one to share his troubles - when he is ready. So Mark had no idea how Jackson came up with a stupid question, no, cut that, it was not even a query but it was not akin to an accusation -  more of a concern.

 

“Because if you do, you don't have to hide it from me” Jackson continued and Mark didn't know whether to laugh or not for the incredulous hypothesis Jackson came up with. “You know I will support you.”

 

Mark wanted to laugh but it may come off as fake and Jackson would surely think he was dating someone so he opted to be serious, “I’m not dating anyone, Jackson. And you - “ Mark pointed at Jackson, “Of all people will always be the first one to know.” He tried his best to say it as seriously and genuinely as he could because it was the truth. Mark was not dating anyone - _as of the moment_ \- but suddenly he was surprised at himself - amazed at how his brain had racked images and flashed an image into his mind. Mark tried to shake the thought away but an image of a person was persistently piercing into a movie on his memory.

 

Squinting his eyes, Jackson had observed Mark, wanting to know if his best friend was telling the truth or not, “Okay” He said after quite some time, “I trust you.”

 

They walked again and it was unusually silent, Mark was surprised at the sudden stillness. And was still in deep thought, why would a person suddenly appear on his mind right after he claimed he wasn’t dating anyone. It was weird but the butterflies in his stomach was weirder.

 

“No one’s stopping you from dating, right?” Jackson uttered again once they were almost at the practice room, cutting Mark from his internal battle with the invisible butterflies, “You don’t have to prevent yourself too.”

 

And Jackson opened the door, leaving Mark in a trance - the loud cheerful voice of Jackson returned as the latter greeted the members of their team, Yugyeom and Bambam. Mark couldn't tell how long it took him to process the words. Was he really preventing himself to date? To like someone? To love a person?

 

And then how bizarre it was when an image of a certain person he tried hard not think of revealed itself on his mind - _crystal clear_.

 

***

 

“You’re weird today” Jaebum commented once the practice ended, “Are you okay?”

 

Mark had not been himself. It was as if whatever the almighty being who put Jackson into a different person had transformed him too to be a different one. The words uttered by Jackson made an impact on him and although he usually distanced himself from feeling anything unusual, this was rather an impossible road to detour with.

 

“I’m really not sure” He shook his head on response and surprised at how blunt he became.

 

Jaebum didn’t pity him though, but he offered a kind tap on Mark’s back. “I know everything will work out fine, Mark.” He said.

 

Mark only nodded because to be honest with himself, pinpointing the problem was hard enough what more trying to figure out a solution.

 

“You’re one of the bravest, strongest and kindest person I know. You might not figure out anything at the moment but eventually you will. Just don’t run away from it.”

 

 

***

 

 

It was a two-hour lecture, Mark didn’t even recall a word his professor has told them. His eyes were frequently pacing back and forth - from the board and to Jinyoung’s. Ever since the day when Jackson has uttered such confusing statement as well as Jaebum’s remark stuck on him; his mind had been frequently filled with Park Jinyoung.

Obsession seemed too big of a word to characterize his fascination over Jinyoung and he would not want, _in any way_ , let anyone notice his interest.

 

If in the end, it would be a disaster, Mark would have to blame Jackson. Because if it weren’t for Jackson’s obnoxious claim and sudden confusing comment, _Mark had no idea what triggered or even pushed Jackson to think about it_ \- Mark would have not realized he was actually starting to take his interest on Park Jinyoung into the next level – _but really, what is the next level?_ Mark had no clue. It was a mystery, still, how could Mark like someone who he had never converse with. And as far as he knows, he wasn’t even sure if Park Jinyoung knew he existed.

 

The classes ended and Mark’s eyes wandered from the left side of the room tracing all over a tall figure slowly gathering his things from the armchair, swiftly striding from his spot and out of the room, Mark realized he had held his breath for a generous amount of time only when Jinyoung was out of the room when Mark exhaled heavily.

_The library. He is going to the library._

 

Mark noticed that Jinyoung frequently visited the library, not that Mark kept track of the days Jinyoung choose the table just beside Aisle G and the books he usually reads and the number of hours he usually stayed engrossed in the texts of the hardbound he was holding. Or the days when Jinyoung would ---  _Mark wasn’t a stalker_ ,  it was purely coincidental and of course, all these little information were easy to be known because Mark was the library assistant after all.

 

“I thought your library chores are over?” Jackson demanded an explanation from Mark just after the class ended when Mark was scrambling to his feet and in a rush, bidding goodbye to his friends, providing them an important reason _that_ being library duties, “We only needed to fill 40 hours, dude. Didn’t you complete yours like a month ago?” Jackson added, confused and irritated.

 

Mark cleared his throat and racked his brain for a possible reply, “I was late a few times in my History classes.” He explained as History was the only class he was separated from Jackson, “this is sort of a community service sanction” He dug deep into his lie, trying his best to conceal the deception in his voice. Mark felt remorse for having to prevaricate his reasons but until Mark realized the real reasons behind his own actions, he decided to keep everything to himself for the time being. He’d have to apologize to Jackson afterwards. And besides, all these actions were because of Jackson’s absurd claims.

 

“Are you really not dating anyone?” Jackson accused.

 

“I’m not dating anyone.” Mark replied, irritated. A person popped into his mind right after and thoughts of what if’s lingered in his head. He shook off the thought while the butterflies made a return appearance - and suddenly his heart constricted. “I just really need to add hours to my library duty.”

 

Jackson’s inquisitiveness was halted as he didn’t hesitate to believe him fully knowing his friend wouldn’t keep a secret from him, “That’s too bad” He snickered in return, “Sucks to be you.” He added and laughed.

 

 

“Yeah” Mark muttered smiling, not disagreeing. It took him ten more minutes before he was out of the classroom, Jackson had a few concerns with regards to their audition piece and he wanted Mark’s suggestion to every little detail.  Mark voiced out his stance as fast as possible –  hurriedly answering every follow up question and when Jackson concluded he would have need to ask Jaebum’s suggestion too, Mark found a pathway to bid his goodbye.

 

 

“Bambam have his own sentiments too.” He said as he started to dash into the door, wasting no more little moment. It was Tuesday and Tuesday meant Jinyoung would leave the library at 5 in the afternoon sharp – it was 4pm, Mark had plenty of time left, he definitely, surely, would  see Jinyoung today. And he felt a tingling sensation ran down his spine.

 

 

“Okay, okay” Jackson waved at his retreating friend, “Hey, you take care.” He added as an afterthought.

 

 

Mark smiled gratefully and replied, “I will.”  And as soon as he was out of the room, he could not help but double his pace – running was an option but there were too many students crowding the hallway – it would be futile to juggle his body trying to locate a clear pathway. Luckily, the library was in the same building only located at the ground floor. He walked as fast as he could without bumping into several students, trying to squeeze his way out as hurriedly as he can. By the time he arrived at the elevator, there were too much students queuing up for their time, Mark gave up and chose the stairs instead. It would be worth it.

 

 

He arrived almost out of breath - his heart assaulting his ribcage like it would burst anytime soon and he knew it wasn't just because he exerted too much physical activity but because he was expectant, hopeful, optimistic that Jinyoung would be here.  Wasting no time, Mark went straight to the librarian, Ms. Hong, and muttered his apologies from being late. The old lady had nothing but praises and disregarded the tardiness that rarely happened insisting Mark didn't have to volunteer to help her out and Mark being a delightful, diligent and helpful student should not worry about being late in the future too but Mark was determined not to be late and as Ms. Hong extended her gratitude and commendation at how big Mark’s heart was and how lovely if he would have a son akin to him, Mark had to listen to her outpour of emotions. Mark spent additional 6 minutes listening to the applauds of Ms. Hong.

 

 

Luckily, a student wanted to borrow a novel and Ms. Hong’s admiration was cut short leaving an excuse for Mark to proceed on his way. Leaving his backpack in the library’s locker on the far end of the room, he eagerly scanned the area, hopeful on the possibility Jinyoung stayed on his usual spot but a couple was situated in the table Jinyoung always occupied. Mark’s heart sank and he needed to double check and extended his efforts by walking around the library. He paced once, then went back twice, he was disheartened - there was no sight of Jinyoung.

 

Blaming was the first decision that came to mind. Regret was next. And the sentences that started from If only marched back and forth into his mind. When he calmed down and partially accepted that he could not blame anyone, he proceeded to busy himself with his afternoon duties thinking his wariness could go away when there were too much on his plate.

 

Mark went around the library one more time, locating garbage as well as scattered books or forgotten belongings. He spotted some things - a hanky, some post-it notes, empty tumbler, a key, and when Mark’s eyes landed on a black notebook, it sparked a memory. Mark then remembered that black planner he found months ago - how he completely forgotten to surrender it to the library’s lost and found. To be completely honest, Mark always carried the planner with him, but always always failed to remember - to his further justification, his mind wandered a lot for the past month. And the notebook that was resting on his backpack for quite some time was clearly neglected - forgotten.

 

“It’s better late than never” Mark hummed to himself while he made his way to Ms. Hong to surrender the belongings he found. He advised then that he had one more thing to surrender and he needed to collect it from his things. Ms. Hong praised him again for helping and ensuring the library was in order and assuring him he had all the time in the world.

 

Mark proceeded to retrieve the notebook from his bag, feeling guilty over the fact that he basically kept it to himself without having any valid reason. When he reached the locker and got the notebook from his bag, he paced back, slowly walking towards the other side where Ms. Hong was, as he read the line one more time, _A valiant Coeur rien d’ impossible_.

 

 

“Where did you get that?”

 

Mark’s was quite taken aback from the sudden voice that echoed in the library as he almost dropped the planner from the sudden interrogation. When he looked up to see who was the one who asked him a question, Mark felt he died a little. It felt like a scene in romantic movies Mark rarely watched and as if a theatrical slow motion of the world has played before his eyes. When he thought that all the hopes have shredded into pieces, another string of faith had revived him from desolation.

 

_Park Jinyoung._

 

If Mark’s soul left him for a split second - and his heart has leaped out of his chest - it went unnoticed as Jinyoung was intently looking at the hardbound black notebook Mark was holding tightly on his right hand.

 

On the very least, Mark hadn’t realized Jinyoung wasn’t paying attention to him nor the fact that the notebook he held tightly on his right palm was the reason they were having the conversation to begin with. Something strange and far-fetched scenario came to actuality - it was a dream - a moment Mark wanted in the depths of his heart but despite the imagines that constantly played before he sleeps or even when he’s sleeping, in no way he considered happening the situation in real life. It was definitely a jaw-dropping moment and Mark’s predicament which pumped up his heart rate - was basically everything compromising Park Jinyoung.

 

The result wasn’t as admirable as what he imagined because in response to Jinyoung’s question, Mark stupidly stared at Jinyoung - apparently not taking everything in a single stride. It went silent right after, Jinyoung gawking sharply at his misplaced notebook and Mark admiring and trying his best tom imprint everything on every part of his brain. It became a battle of who would relent first -of who would utter the first words after the awkward silence. And Mark would definitely win the game, he would not be able to say anything, it wasn’t a matter of will but of lone capability, Mark wasn’t capable of any actions as of the moment.

 

“That’s mine.” Jinyoung chastised judgmentally, after a stretch of silence, intently looking at the notebook, perhaps ensuring the black planner was indeed the one he was looking for.

 

It was then when Mark recovered from a dead beat, realizing an answer was warranted from him, He took him a couple of unneeded blinks before finally responding but his answer wasn’t all that great, “I found it months on the ground here, ago, um, the library” Mark jumbled his grammar in his attempt to mumble out a response. Momentarily after, he had the urge to smack his face for it. stupid.

 

 

“I searched for it all over the place.” Jinyoung sighed in relief. Gone was the blame hidden under the tone of his voice nor the accusing stares he shot at Mark who the latter failed to discern,  “I thought it’s gone forever.”

 

 _Wow._ Mark internally celebrated for varying level of reasons. This has got to be the longest sentence he had heard Jinyoung said. And his first ever conversation with him, on top of that too. And Jinyoung was also reaching for his hand, God damn it Mark Tuan, calm you heart. And Mark ogled at him for God knows how long, wide-eyed, in admiration and he only realized it when Jinyoung asked him if there was something on his face.

 

He snapped back into reality, Mark swore, his ears got so red while his heart beat into unnecessary unexplainable rapid counts.

 

“Can I have my notebook now?” Jinyoung slightly pouted, right hand reaching for the notebook, the slightly irritation was visible and Mark thought it was kind of cute, no, it was _definitely, undeniably_ , cute. Mark needs to learn to fucking calm down. Mark fucking Tuan, please calm your heart.

 

“Of course. Of course” Mark said snapping out of his delusional state, “And I’m sorry.” He suddenly blurted out, Mark had thought to keep the conversation going, maybe Jinyoung would backpedal and would realized Mark had taken care of the planner and be subsequently be thankful for it. Or anything, Jinyoung can be mad, Mark was okay with it too, at least they would have had a longer conversation. Mark would love to talk to Jinyoung for hours even though he really hated long conversations.

 

“Why?” Jinyoung asked, voice filled with worry and slight annoyance while his eyebrows were knitted together. “You read my outputs?” He concluded, mortified. And the ambiance suddenly shifted because Jinyoung was looking at him accusingly.

 

“No. No” Mark was beyond horrified as his plan had backfired. Jinyoung getting mad at him was definitely not what he wanted - not even close to what he wished for. Mayday, mayday, Mark needed to swim away to this scene. He clamored for explanation on the tip of his tongue. “I mean, well, I should have looked for the owner or have dropped it off at the lost and found but I swear, my life on the line” Mark was panicking as he secretly observed Jinyoung's reaction every time a word was added to his explanation. Mark badly wanted to erase the mortified expression on Jinyoung’s face. It was working though. Jinyoung's expressions have softened little by little.  “I haven't read a single thing except for the ones in the cover - I don't even know the meaning of this line” He pointed at the golden letters imprinted on the black leather notebook. By this time, Mark was desperately searching for explanations, mad and upset Jinyoung was definitely not the one he wanted because that would mean failed first impressions and Mark realized he shouldn’t left that kind of notion.

 

Jinyoung exhaled while his right hand was on his chest as he hummed, “That’s reassuring.” And there was a noticeable change in his demeanor from that of concerned to a relaxed state. It should shed some positivity to the scenario - and add hope to Mark’s increasing wish.

 

It started as an imagination but now that it presented himself as a reality - Mark could not help but desire for more.

 

A sense of relief washed over Mark and his heart shouldn't be crazily beating but he has no control over it so he let his heart experience whatever it want to feel while his eyes continued to admire the guy in front of him, his ears swayed into the melody whenever Jinyoung spoke and his nose danced to the addicting dewy smell of Jinyoung’s perfume.

 

 

“Do you want to have dinner with me?” Mark’s lips betrayed him by conveying his deepest desire. He was being a total creep and would really want to start digging his own grave. It was no surprise when Jinyoung looked at him quizzically - eyebrows knitting together, again. Possibly questioning Mark’s sanity.

 

Mark was supposed to defend himself and confessed it was just a slip of the tongue or maybe splutter a lie and convince Jinyoung he really didn't mean what he had said even though, all of it-even if it was a slip of the tongue- Mark meant it. But Mark was lost for words and suddenly found it hard to choke out words but good thing though that Jinyoung surprisingly and unknowingly helped Mark because the clueless guy had ironed out everything with his wild guess.

 

“Is this because of the planner?” Jinyoung sheepishly asked.

 

It took Mark almost 2 seconds to comprehend things and when he realized the heavens had allowed him to live longer and had been given a free pass in a make or break situation, he eagerly took it, without any hesitation. He nodded furiously, “yes, yes” He repeated many times convincing Jinyoung - as well as himself.

 

“You don’t need to.” Jinyoung shrugged, “At least you will give it back.” Jinyoung stated and let the words hang with an emphasis and Mark realized he was still holding onto the black planner. He muttered continues apologies as he finally handed over the notebook to its rightful owner.

 

“Thanks.” Jinyoung said and started walking away from Mark.

 

This wasn’t supposed to end here, Mark thought. “Jinyoung” Mark breathed out, the first time he uttered Jinyoung’s name out loud and he was satisfied and in awe at how perfect it seemed to be coming from his own lips.

 

Jinyoung stopped from his tracks and stared at Mark.

 

“I’d really like to buy you food or something.” Mark pushed all that he got, “For the troubles I caused - I kept your notebook for too long.”

 

“I have it back, you don’t need to worry.”

 

“Still” Mark insisted and even though he could not figure out where all his confidence was coming from, he wouldn't back out of this anymore.

 

Jinyoung shook his head and scrunched his nose in yet another refusal, and was preparing to distance himself from Mark and leave the library.

 

Mark needed to come up with something - anything, but he realized, the truth could always be the key to a positive conclusion so he decided on one final chance by being honest, “It will take out a lot of burden from my heart if you agree.” Mark said, determined, lips pursed together in a tight line, and making the most pleadingly puppy eyes he could muster.

 

Jinyoung seemed frozen and stared at Mark incredulously and Mark felt like he somewhat convinced Jinyoung to agree with him and a thread of hope had been sewn and Mark was determined to hold on to it. It was a complete silence for a while, Mark waited for an answer - hoping Jinyoung’s next reply would not be another rejection.

 

Mark held his breath. And what felt like an eternity, Jinyoung sighed in conclusion.

 

 “Okay.”

 

 

 

***

 

 

“I’m Mark Tuan” Mark introduced himself once they were settled on the table.

 

It was a silent walk from school to the cafe but for Mark everything had been eventful. though he was a little bit nervous, and tried to start a conversation by introducing himself. his palms were a bit sweaty so no matter how much he wanted to reach out and offer his hand for a handshake, he refused for he didn't want Jinyoung to be grossed out.

 

They both agreed to settle in the quaint cafe near the school. Having it near both Jinyoung and Mark’s house made it the perfect spot for the of them. Mark swore it served the best carrot cake hoping Jinyoung would at least par with his excitement but Mark was just given a nod in return.

 

 And Mark couldn't really understand why he worry so much. But Jinyoung’s answer caught him off guard.

 

“Yes, I know.” Jinyoung replied, eyes straight into Mark’s.

 

There was a pause laced with realization. “You knew?” And Mark couldn't hide the surprise in his expression and the faint red color painted on his cheeks. The thought of Jinyoung having taken an interest on him too - even before all of these have happened made Mark’s heartbeat doubled its speed.

 

But the hope that was steadily rising was put abruptly to a halt.

 

“We have several classes together.” Jinyoung said, matter of factly.

 

“Ah yes, yes” Mark laughed trying to hide his disappointment.

 

 

There was an awkward silence for a couple of minutes, Mark wanted to initiate a conversation but found it hard to think of a topic to discuss with. This was the first time he wanted so badly to be like Jackson where the latter could talk so casually - like having a conversation wasn’t a tiresome activity. But Mark didn’t want his first dinner - butMarkwantedittobedate - hopefully not the last, with Jinyoung to be a disaster.

 

“Hey, um, Jinyoung?” Mark tried. He decided to ask the things he was curious about and believed it would be the perfect start of a lengthy exchange of words though he was not so confident about maintaining an enjoyable dialogue, at least it won’t be silence enveloping them.

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Do you have friends?” Mark asked confidently, his purpose was to coax Jinyoung into befriending him, what he meant to explain was if Jinyoung needed friends in the university to hang out with bit Mark’s question was a little off when it came out of his mouth and he realized it too late. It missed the whole context of Mark wanting Jinyoung to be his friend, now he sounded like a douche.

 

Jinyoung’s eyebrow mimicked a storm planning its downpour.

 

“Sorry” Mark rebutted quickly, “What I meant was, because I always see you hanging out alone and well, you know” The last few words were uttered silently because Mark was in a state of Jackson-please-be-my-spirit-animal-this-instant as he found himself in a difficult position because he was really bad at conversation _. I need help._

 

“What?” It was clear that JInyoung was slowly getting pissed because his answers might be short but the deliverance was layered with a hint of displeasure.

 

It felt like Mark had committed mistakes that could cost his life and he struggled with how could he correct it, he panicked but deemed it improper to let himself be sucked in trepidation. It was a necessity to pull himself all together so he won’t sound as if he was a jerk. He tried again after internally battling the struggles within himself,  “Well, the thing is, studying in a university is a hard thing and if you’re alone then it wont be easy to survive?” He stated but ended questioningly.

 

Jinyoung squinted his eyes, unconvinced, “Is that an advice or a question.”

 

“I - “Mark started but failed miserably, he was about to say something but his brain started to malfunction and couldn't think of anything so he opted the best decision he could and that was to tell the truth,  “I really don’t know.”

 

He heaved a depressing sigh thinking he blew out all the chances he got befriending Jinyoung. Why is he so bad with words? Why isn’t he talkative just like Jackson. Mark was so focused on dwelling on his errors, looking down on the burger and fries he ordered - not looking at Jinyoung because he was too apologetic that Mark missed the slight curve that formed on the lips of Jinyoung.

 

“You know.” Jinyoung revealed all of a sudden, after a good minute of complete sighs coming from Mark “You’re really bad at conversations” He said.

 

Mark looked up abruptly, stood up and hurt his knee on the process and knocking the glass of soda - now spilled on him and on the table. _Fuck it._

 

Jinyoung’s eyes widened and he covered his face with his hand. Mark was too busy cleaning the disaster he created, too worried about the impression he made of himself, and too occupied by the widely beating of his heart to notice Jinyoung was inaudibly laughing. Mark took almost a few moments until he was already done cleaning the table and had sat down again.

 

“But you’re unexpectedly funny.” Jinyoung confessed and shrugged after Mark has finished cleaning out the spilled drink on the table. And just like that, Jinyoung was back to his usual unnerved self.

 

Mark was quite taken aback, not expecting the remark. But really, Mark didn't expect anything positive to come out after all the mishaps. The 4 simple words Jinyoung uttered has given Mark his life back - like he was reborn and given a chance to undo the ill things he committed. Mark, though was a little bit creepy, started to flash a wide grin. He finally calmed down and regain all that was left of his confidence.

 

“Do you like books?” Jinyoung asked, trying to set an example of a good conversation.

 

“Uhm” Mark was still staring at Jinyoung and it took Mark a couple of heaps before he realized Jinyoung was striking a conversation. “Umm, yes, well, not too much.” Mark replied, hurriedly.

 

“How come?” Jinyoung offered, not demanding a stern response. It was obvious Jinyoung was interested into wheedling an answer and it reverberated into the atmosphere. There was something in how Jinyoung has settled the mood into a lighter one that made Mark felt at ease.

 

It was difficult to finally calm down after all that has happened in a little amount of time but Mark found himself finally loosened up - maybe because finally, this seemed to be a friendly chat -not a forceful interrogation.

 

“I read novels but not too much. Only those with good reviews but it takes me a long time to finish one.” Mark explained, already at ease with his answers. It came out naturally and Mark liked how he wasn’t feeling any pressure - it was refreshing.

 

Jinyoung’s eyes lit up, it was obvious how much he had loved the topic, “I love reading novels. They make me feel like living in different worlds.” Jinyoung explained. “If you want, I can recommend books?” He suggested and Mark melted.

 

It was a shy simple smile Mark offered, “That would be awesome.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

The chat obviously grew longer. Jinyoung was leading the conversation and Mark was beyond satisfied. Different from the way Mark has observed, Jinyoung has plenty to talk about but still kept his sentences short. It might have been different to what JInyoung was when he was in the university but Mark felt proud of having to uncover who truly was Jinyoung. It was only an added bonus to have Jinyoung utter sentences after sentences because Jinyoung’s voice already was melody to his ears.

 

Mark talked about his love for dancing and Jinyoung hinted he saw some acts delivered by the Performing Arts Club. Mark had learned many things about Jinyoung and he shared a couple of ones of himself too. They chatted about television shows, books turned into movies, and the university life.

 

“One of the things I loved in the university is the pork buns served every Tuesday and Thursday” Mark revealed which stemmed on his story about the time he had no choice but to buy every member of the Performing Arts Club food because he lost a bet to Jackson, “we should, I mean you should try it too.” Mark added.

 

“I guess, I could.” Jinyoung answered.

 

“But the pork buns are the best when shared” Mark tried to keep the conversation going.

 

“”I really don’t have much friends.” Jinyoung shrugged. And Mark felt like an idiot for pulling out the awkward topic. They were back to square one - of being awkward with each other. Mark wanted to detour the conversation to a lighter one but he didn’t want to obviously step down from the topic because he desperately wanted Jinyoung to be his friend and so he got no other choice but to continue it.

 

“Why?” He asked, a little bit hesitant.

 

It was a surprise when Jinyoung was seemed comfortable sharing his answer. “I just don’t feel like it.”

 

Mark was taken aback and was confused - a little saddened by the fact Jinyoung might not want to be his friend. Because Mark badly wanted to be Jinyoung’s friend but more than that, Mark thought of how it could be lonely to have no one to confide in during times of trouble - especially that university life could be a handful. There were many conflicting ideas and Mark thought too hard, eyebrows knitting together. Because he has a proposition he wanted to relay to Jinyoung but he couldn't decide whether he would want the other guy to hear it but at the same time, it was the proposal Mark wanted so badly.

 

“Jinyoung?” Mark started, feeling agitated and unwell. His stomach started to feel a little weary.

 

“Hmm?”

 

It was now or never, Mark thought. As the words from his friend Jaebum repeated on his end, _Don’t run away from it._ Mark decided the only way to figure things out with Jinyoung was to get to know him better – _to be friends with him_. He gathered all what was left of his credence of himself “I can be your first friend in the university.” Mark explained as hurriedly but as quickly as possible uttered it. But a loud annoying tone ruined the mood.

 

Jinyoung’s phone rang and he excused himself and Mark’s statement was left hanging. There were a couple of _yes and I know, and yes, I’m safe_ from Jinyoung and Mark patiently waited for the phone call to end so he could have his answer or confirmation - it could be a rejection too but Mark would not want the that option.

 

Finally, to what seemed like a lifetime, Mark heard Jinyoung bid goodbye. When Jinyoung’s attention was back to Mark, the latter was displaying a bright smile - expression readable that he had been waiting.

 

Jinyoung apologetically stated, “I need to go back home. I’m sorry” And suddenly he was already tidying up his plate and arranging his things, agitated. “I’m sorry.” He apologized again, afterwards.

 

“It’s okay” Mark said and realized that it was past 10 in the evening. Jinyoung’s parents would probably be worried. Though it was a let down, Mark  kept everything on a positive light. At least he and Jinyoung _seemed_ a bit closer. He could just approach Jinyoung in the university casually - _would Jinyoung want that though? Or would this night be the last time they exchange words? Did Jinyoung enjoy his time with Mark or did Mark seem a real creep?_ There were a couple of more absurd statements and queries and they could potentially vanish if JInyoung would just answer Mark’s question. But - Mark could not find the right time to offer his question again.

 

They walked out of the cafe silently. Mark’s backpack hang loose on his back while Jinyoung’s messenger bag strap was situated perfectly on the latter’s shoulder. Jinyoung had explained he didn't need to ride a bus or cab because it would only take him a couple of minutes to reach home. Mark was elated knowing the route Jinyoung would take was the same one as his.

 

“I can walk you home.” Mark suggested, out of the blue.

 

Jinyoung looked at him - stared at him wide-eyed. “You don’t have too.” He protested.

 

“I insist.” Mark said.

 

“I can really go back alone. You don’t need to walk me home. I’m a guy too, you know.”

 

Mark laughed, already realizing his eagerness but what can he do? He’d really like to spend some more time with Jinyoung, “This is also my way back so it really wasn't any hassle.”

 

Jinyoung finally relented only because he had thought it through, since they were walking the same way, why not walk together. The travel to Jinyoung’s house was silent. All throughout the walk, Mark’s mind was occupied of thoughts leading back to his conversations with Jinyoung. There was a statement that was left hanging and he was eager to ask about Jinyoung’s answer to his sentiment.

 

When he found a perfect timing, he wasted no time, “Hey, Jinyoung.” Mark tried and waited for Jinyoung to acknowledge that he heard him.

 

“Hmmm?”

 

“About the thing I said a while ago.” Mark explained.

 

“What thing?”

 

Mark exhaled and inhaled, sucking out as much air as he could, “You know, us being friends” He asked but the sentence was muffled by the loud sound of the passing train.

 

“What?” Jinyoung asked after the noise, he didn't hear a single thing Mark uttered.

 

Mark scratched the back of his head, “What i suggested back in the restaurant.” Mark tried once more.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You and me.” Mark explained.

 

“You and me, what?”

 

“Being frie - ” And the statement was cut, once again, a cat jumped out of nowhere surprising both him and Jinyoung and it prevented Mark to finish his sentence.

 

It was a complete silence for a while, and because of several failed attempts, Mark has started to lose his conviction. He only wanted to be friends with Jinyoung. He wanted confirmation that Jinyoung was keen on befriending him too but it seemed the universe had a different plan. It took a couple of worldly battle with himself before Mark tried once more.

 

“Jinyoung.” Mark started with all the confidence that was left with him.

 

“This is my house.” Jinyoung simultaneously revealed as he stopped from his tracks and suddenly announced. “Thanks for today.” He suddenly concluded.

 

Mark’s mouth left agape but he quickly replied, “Ah yes” but quite desolated. Is this the end? Does this fairytale have a continuation? Is this even a fairytale? Is this just it? Jackson should accept Mark’s wrath tomorrow. It was his fault - ultimately his fault.

 

“Goodbye, Mark” Jinyoung said.

 

“Yeah, goodbye, Jinyoung. See you tomorrow.”

 

Mark’s shoulders slumped - he wasn't able to ask the question or confirm his statement. Jinyoung was already inside and was about to close the door. Mark, badly, desperately, wanted to know for he realized he wanted to talk with Jinyoung more - to have longer conversations. He wanted to eat pork buns with Jinyoung, accompany him while he read under the oak tree. Or even give him library perks. He wanted Jinyoung to notice him in the university - exchange notes with him. Or anything - anything with Jinyoung.

 

_God, how Mark wanted to see Jinyoung’s smile._

 

“Hey, Jinyoung” Mark tried, after a couple of debate with himself. He was pretty confident throughout the day and while his adrenaline rush was still at its peak, why not push it a little bit more.

 

“Hmm?” Jinyoung asked, halted in his action to close the door and the little open space left between him and Mark.

 

“We’re already friends, right?”

 

And then everything seemed brighter.

 

It wasn't a voiced out yes but Mark swore his heart has leaped out of his chest as Jinyoung nodded and just barely, a millisecond perhaps- just before the door was completely shut - there was a tiny curve on Jinyoung’s lips.

 

Mark went home - fulfilled because for the first time he saw Jinyoung smiled. Little did he know that throughout dinner, Jinyoung has been secretly laughing and smiling every time Mark talked - but Mark didn't really need to know that.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Mark was awfully giddy - out of himself that even he recognized it but he could not help it. Last night was definitely one for the books - an almost unimaginable turn of events because he, Mark Tuan, was already friends with Park Jinyoung.

 

And added to his unmeasurable happiness, Jinyoung even acknowledged their friendship as the latter greeted Mark when he saw him during first period. Mark’s heart was in cloud nine as it rendered him speechless but managed to recover just in time; managed a simple wave and a dashing smile.

 

All throughout the day, Mark spent his time following and accompanying with Jinyoung to wherever the latter went to. It was definitely a wonderful day, Jackson wasn’t even around because the guy was suffering from a flu. Not that Mark wished for it to happen or anything related to hoping Jackson would not be at school, don’t get him wrong, Mark worried for the health of his friend but something inside him felt relieved Jackson wasn’t at the university because Mark surprisingly was selfish with his alone time with Jinyoung. He wanted to savor his newly found friendship. But Mark, for sure, would gladly introduce Jinyoung to his friends, he just liked to keep Jinyoung for himself for the time being.

 

“Where are you eating lunch?” Mark was able to muster even with all the smiles he had been throwing. “Are you going to the cafeteria?”

 

Jinyoung shook his head as if apologizing, “My mom made me a meal.” And he pointed to his black colored lunch bag.

 

“Oh” Mark deflated. He was wishing he could buy some pork buns and they could share it but he guessed the pork buns should have to wait. He wanted to eat with Jinyoung too but he didn't prepare any meal, so much for their first lunch. “I guess, um, well”

 

“Why don’t we share my lunch?” Jinyoung sheepishly offered.

 

Mark wasn’t aware his heart could beat so fast. He had to look away for a minute to calm himself. There had been an unexplainable feeling growing within him. Mark pondered several times trying to dig into his emotions the explanation of a certain Park Jinyoung. But at this moment, he felt the truth slowly - little by little - was crawling into his heart. And he was completely clueless - helpless on what to do next.

 

“But if you want to eat at the cafeteria with your friends, it’s  -”

 

“No. I’d like to eat with you.” Mark cut Jinyoung’s sentence completely. He wasn’t sure how the words came across or how desperate he sounded because Jinyoung’s reply was everything. And it made his heart beat even more.

 

What is wrong with you, Mark Tuan?

 

Jinyoung smiled and said, “Okay.”

 

 

 

***

 

The following week became a blur -  not only it happened swiftly as the term was ending soon but also because Mark had been struggling to jumble everything on his plate. The audition is 5 days away, the final school day before the term ended. He still had several hours of library duty left, which he would still renew, because library duty actually meant more time with Jinyoung.

 

He still ate lunch with Jinyoung; Jackson returned with a renewed energy but the latter was also busy with several personal school duties to make up for days he was absent that he needed jump out whenever he had free time making Mark’s lunch break and afternoon free time before the practices were well-spent with Jinyoung.

 

But to Mark’s utter dismay, their usual afternoon trip to the library were cut short due to extended dance practices. He tried to ask Jinyoung if he wanted to watch the practice but the black haired transferee kindly declined. Mark was relieved though, he wasn’t really confident in showing Jinyoung his skills just yet.

 

And the days went by so fast, it was a day left before the auditions.

 

“Are you going to watch the auditions?” Mark asked while he was in the middle of sorting out books in the library and Jinyoung was trailing behind him. Mark had been practicing for several nights on how can he invite Jinyoung to watch them because he didn’t feel confident in asking Jinyoung out. But despite the numerous times he repeated scenarios on his mind over and over again, he still could not settle for the right words.

 

“I’m not really sure, why?” Jinyoung replied while he handed Mark a book to be placed into the middle shelf. For the past week, Mark had been receiving help from Jinyoung in mending the library.

 

“My friends and I are going to try out - we dance” Mark replied, still unsure on how he can properly invite Jinyoung to watch them perform, “and you know that, but, well, there will be awesome performances for sure” Mark still struggled to explain.

 

Jinyoung’s lips formed into a slight curve. “That’s good, then”

 

“And final exams would be over by that time” Mark tried to deepen the conversation hoping the words he would say next would suffice an explanation to what he really wanted.

 

Jinyoung nodded in response.

 

“And you know, uhm, it would be great if you can hear some of our classmates sing too. There will be ---” Mark scrambled for words. “

 

“Mark” Jinyoung said.

 

“And well, it will be an activity before the term ends?”

 

“Mark” Jinyoung called him again. Mark was too engrossed into his messed up words that he wasn’t able to hear Jinyoung.

 

“And I think it’s good for you to watch some of them because you know -”

 

“Mark”

 

“Yes?” Mark finally noticed, only because Jinyoung had gently tapped his back.

 

“I’ll watch” Jinyoung said, a hand covering his mouth while his eyes crinkled, Mark felt like he was seeing rainbows and butterflies. He was smiling and Mark’s heart melted.

 

 “You’re really bad with words” Jinyoung said, “But yes, if you're inviting me, I’ll go. I’ll watch you.”

 

Mark’s lips stretched into a smile. His heart, unmanageable, pumped into an uncontrollable speed. Without fully knowing the implications on why his heart had suddenly wanted to crawl out of his body, or the usual crawling invisible insects on his tummy has multiplied or why he felt the urge to suddenly want Jinyoung more than ever; but above anything else, Mark needed the necessary assurance.

 

“It’s a promise?” He hoped.

 

Jinyoung was laughing this time, something that Mark frequently witnessed the past week, but still craved and longed to see. “Yes, I promise.”

 

Mark wasted no time as held out a pinky finger. Needing to be sure twice wouldn't add any harm.

 

Jinyoung laughed even more, “What are you, four?”

 

Mark faked a gasp, but he was starting to laugh too “Pinky swears know no age nor gender”

 

Jinyoung was laughing, noticeably louder this time but was reaching out to Mark’s finger with his own closing out the pinky swear and Mark was beyond elated. It felt more secured - certain that Jinyoung would attend the auditions and it made Mark’s heart fluttered in all kinds of jittery and giddiness. Thinking about it made Mark want to practice harder so he would be able to impress Jinyoung, but why would he want to impress a friend?

 

***

 

“Are you guys ready?” Jaebum breathed a confident question but despite how he delivered it, all knew that everyone was on the verge of their seats. This was an opportunity of the lifetime, the year-end performances meant everything to them because the chance to perform together wasn’t always given to them it might not happen again.

 

“Of course” Jackson smirked but even though the ever confident man was experiencing qualms.

 

“We will nail it.” Bam Bam agreed trying to lift up everyone’s confidence.

 

Mark had his own doubts too but he tried to sway them away, now was not the right time for his mind to wonder. And besides, he needed to be on top of his game because JInyoung would be watching.

 

“Thank you Team no. 6. Now for the last team, may I call the dance team no.7” The announcer blasted through the microphone.

 

“That’s our cue.” Yugyeom said.

 

With a little hesitation and jittery, Mark the group proceeded to the stage. One by one, they looked for their spots and waited for the music to drop. Mark’s eye wandered through the audience, he can see several persons with placards with their names on them. He could see his classmates too but none of them mattered for he wanted to see someone but it seemed _, Jinyoung was out of sight_.

 

Mark’s heart sank. He knew any minute the music would start but he wanted to pause time, to pause everything - even for a couple of minutes. He still had hope because Jinyoung should be there - JInyoung should watch him perform.

 

“Mark, are you okay?” Jackson whispered. Maybe there was a sudden change on his stance because for sure his shoulder has slumped from the utter disappointment. BUt he could not help it, he should have concealed it for the sake of the team but for some reasons, he wanted to be selfish.

 

“Uhm, yes.” He forced a reply.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

And Mark didnt want to answer anymore. The beat dropped a single note, that was Yugyeom’s cue. Then Bam Bam followed. A couple of steps more, Jaebum started and then Jackson run to the back to perform his back flip. Mark’s eyes were still glued to the door hoping the person he longed to see would suddenly appear. In a few seconds, it would be Mark’s turn to execute a flip. And then, just before Mark’s turn, Jinyoung appeared, waved his hand as if wanting Mark to realize he made it.

 

Contentment was an understatement because for Mark, it had to be one of the best times of life.

 

The roar of the audience shook the whole auditorium. Everyone was on their feet either clapping or shouting. Mark’s heart was in the clouds, it was truly a remarkable and unforgettable performance.

 

“We did great.” Jaebum announced once they were finished. Bam Bam and Yugyeom were hugging each other while Jackson could not help himself but mumble words. Mark, on the other hand, wanted to flee the scene to meet Jinyoung.

 

“I need to be somewhere.” He suddenly said. “I’ll be right be back.” And without hearing anyone’s reply, he fled the backstage and run towards the audience. He scanned the area where he last saw Jinyoung but the young man was not there anymore. His eyes roamed around the auditorium scanning every person in the room, locating a black-haired guy.

 

_Did he leave already?_

 

Mark made his way to the door bowing to everyone offering their words of congratulations and admiration.

 

“Jinyoung.” Mark called hoping Jinyoung would hear him.

 

Jinyoung stopped from his tracks and turned around, “He-e-y” He weakly replied.

 

Mark was sporting an ear to ear smile hoping his overflowing gratitude reached Jinyoung. He was expecting to see Jinyoung’s beautiful smile too but what he saw wasn’t something he expected. Jinyoung looked weak as he tried to cover it with a smile that wasn’t really reaching his eyes.

 

“Sorry, I almost didn't make it” Jinyoung confirmed, “ but you were great!” Jinyoung said.

 

Mark suddenly felt guilty because Jinyoung looked sick and he could not help but blame himself. “You don’t look well” He honestly replied.

 

“Oh. I’m just feeling under the weather.”

 

And Mark then realized the pressure he put on Jinyoung’s shoulder. How he almost pleaded and forced him to watch. It shouldn't be like this or anything similar to this. He would not want Jinyoung hurt in any possible way. “You shouldn't have come, I’m sorry” He guiltily mumbled.

 

“But I would not want to tarnish the sacredness of our pinky swear” Jinyoung joked. If this circulated in normal circumstances, Mark would have wanted to cry in joy. It was the first time he heard JInyoung tried out a joke but he the guilt he felt was overwhelmingly huge.

 

“Hey” Jinyoung said, possibly noticing the sudden change in Mark’s demeanor. “I really wanted to see you guys perform, okay?” He explained, “That’s why I came here. And I’m really really okay, you don’t need to worry.”

 

“But”

 

“No buts” Jinyoung demanded, “This is just a simple headache that can be cured with a tablet, a cup of water, and a really long sleep.”

 

Mark still looked like he was not convinced.

 

“Stop worrying” Jinyoung insisted, now laughing, “I’m really okay.” He said.

 

Mark squinted his eyes, accusingly but his anxiety over Jinyoung’s health started to fade.

 

“I swear to God, Mark. If you keep on overthinking instead of thanking me - “Jinyoung said, words were faltering as he started teasing Mark who he knew would react on every word he says.

 

Mark was laughing now, the same time with Jinyoung.

 

“Thanks”

 

“You’re welcome.” Jinyoung said with an eye-blinding smile. “But I probably need to go back home so I can start my long-ass sleep.” Jinyoung said, “I said, don’t worry” Jinyoung insisted when Mark’s face started contorting into something that can be read as wariness.

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jinyoung said.

 

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Mark asked again.

 

“Mark Tuan.” Jinyoung started, “How many times should I tell you I’m okay?”

 

“Because you really don’t” Mark searched for words, “And what if your headache got worse because you watched rather than rest?”

 

“You know I liked you better when you can’t figure out the right words to say.” Jinyoung replied laughing but the statement initiated a spring in Mark’s heart as it automatically - uncontrollably jumps up and down in an acute manner.

 

Because Mark wasn’t able to formulate a response, Jinyoung managed to to find a solution of his own.

 

“Do you have your phone with you?” Jinyoung suddenly asked.

 

“What?” Mark abruptly replied.

 

“Your mobile phone, do you have it?”

 

It took a couple of moments before Mark realized what was JInyoung asking. “No” He barely managed.

 

“Hmm.” Jinyoung replied while he reached for his from pocket and took out his mobile phone. “What’s your number?” He asked.

 

“What?” Mark replied again, unsure if he heard the question right.

 

“Your number. I need it so I can text you later possibly informing you I’m absolutely feeling fine so you would not have to worry, you worrisome person.” Jinyoung added.

 

“Oh. Okay.”

 

“I am really okay.” Jinyoung assured Mark again after he got Mark’s number. “You should go back too. I think they’ll announce the winner. But really, it was obvious.” He added with a sly smile plastered on his face.

 

Mark sheepishly returned the smile too.

 

“You did really great. I’m glad I was able to watch that. “

 

And Mark’s heart leaped even more, he could not even believe his heart could beat faster than it was just a few seconds ago. Jinyoung had made such an impact - a glorious addition to his life.

 

“Thank you.” Mark replied, “Really, thank you.”

 

Jinyoung bid his goodbye with a genuine smile on his face Mark could not help but admire.

 

And Mark was left astounded but with a heart so full, it felt like exploding.

 

 

***

 

_You owe me lunch_

 

Read the text. Mark's heart combusted even though he was not even sure if the sender was the one who he thought he was. But Mark was more than hopeful as he replied with, "thank you, Jinyoung"

The most gruelling minute of Mark's life can be traced back to this moment, to the time he was waiting for a reply.

_How did you know it was me?_

And Mark could finally be able to breathe normally again but his heart was in a different state of happiness.

 

 

***

 

The audition day marked the last day of the school term. And Mark spent his last day school day, after the audition, glued on his mobile phone texting Jinyoung. They have been exchanging silly messages, exchanging quite a number of jokes and Mark felt like swinging in cloud 9.

But term break meant Jackson visiting Hong Kong, Bambam going back in Thailand, Yugyeom tagging along with his family on a trip and Jaebum returning to his province. A typical term break also meant Mark booking a ticket to visit his family in Los Angeles but for the first time since he had been in Korea, Mark called up his family saying he won’t be able to come home. And although his family could not help but be sad, he assured him he would visit during the Christmas season.

Because for Mark, this term break signified something far more than what he’d like. He felt the need to stay to fulfill several dreams that he might not be able to do in the future.

The first day of the break was going extremely well for Mark as he and Jinyoung had planned out to celebrate Mark’s acceptance in the year end performances in the newly situated American diner in town. Jinyoung thought it might make Mark missed his hometown less as he was not going home for the break.

Mark normally showered for 30 minutes but today, it took him an hour and half in the bathroom and a full one hour in choosing what to wear. And he was still 30 minutes early on their decided time. It was painstakingly long time before he managed to stop his heart from plummeting because he needed to get his act together; this could potentially be his and Jinyoung’s first date but that was a far-fetched thinking but there’s no harm in wishing, or ---

Mark’s world seemed to stop when Jinyoung entered the diner. He was used to seeing Jinyoung clad in slacks and polo shirts that the latter sporting tattered denim jeans, black long sleeves, with a mustard colored coat took his breath away. He had to clutch his heart as it felt like combusting.

“Hey.” Jinyoung greeted him.

Mark could only reply a simple hello to but refusing an eye contact. _How can he be able to do so if his heart felt like it could explode?_

“Have you ordered anything?”

Mark shook his head.

“Then let’s order.”

Mark nodded.

It was a complete silence for a while until Jinyoung had asked if Mark was okay. Mark wanted to admit he was not – he was far from being okay but he realized he had been looking forward to this – and he could not in any way ruin this day.

“I’m okay.” He lied, “Just thinking what to eat.”

“Oh. You must have missed these foods. How long have you stayed here in Korea?”

“4 years.”

And just like Jinyoung had managed to once again, charm Mark into a spell where the latter was still in a state of bizarre heart beats and unknown fiasco, he could still manage to utter coherent responses.

“Why did you choose Korea?” Jinyoung intrigued.

“I’ve made friends”

Jinyoung squinted his eyes, possibly not believing Mark’s answer. “Don’t you have friends in America?”

“I have” Mark admitted and he laughed which was definitely a miracle considering the state he was presently in, “I fell in love with this country and the people in it”

Jinyoung shook his head and tsked, “But we have a lot of bullies here, ya know. Suicidal rate his high”

 

“Stop dissing your own country.” Mark claimed and Jinyoung smiled at that.

 

Mark wanted to ask one question so badly, and because they were in the mood and there were having pretty decent conversation, why not seize the opportunity of a lifetime and he would take it. “I am just curious about one thing.”

 

“Hmm?”

 

“Why do you distant yourself from all of us?” Mark asked

 

There was an undeniable changed in Jinyoung’s aura and Mark sensed it, and the latter knew he might have messed up. He tried to back fire.

 

“I’m sorry. If it’s too personal - then -”

 

But Jinyoung shrugged and answered, “I just don’t want to be a part of many people’s memories.”

 

Mark wanted to pry on some more but he noticed how Jinyoung suddenly became uncomfortable. Mark decided to jump to another topic which he realized Jinyoung was more than happy to oblige. Mark regretted he asked but he might have had the idea as to the reason why Jinyoung uttered such miserable statement.

 

Suddenly, Mark felt like he needed to – he wanted to change Jinyoung’s perspective.

 

 

***

 

“It looked like it will rain.” Mark said when they were leaving the diner.

“I didn’t bring any umbrella.” Jinyoung replied.

“Neither do I.”

“Let’s just hurry so we won’t get drenched by the rain.”

Jinyoung nodded and they proceeded to walk. But the rain was starting sooner as they expected.

“Do you want to make a run for it?” Mark offered but Jinyoung looked horried.

“No. Little rain would not harm me.” He replied, not meeting Mark’s eyes.

Eventually, the rain started to pour and they were still a couple of blocks away from Jinyoung’s and the rain looked as if it was not going to stop anytime soon.

“My dorm is closer her. Let’s just stay there.” Mark offered and Jinyoung had no energy left to argue.

They went to Mark’s dorm because it's the closest. It was a huge single bedroom dorm room that Mark’s parents rented for him. Luckily, Mark had just finished cleaning out his room that he didn’t have to worry leaving a bad impression on Jinyoung.

Once they entered, Jinyoung stayed quiet, only mumbling a few words of gratitude. It was deafening, the silence was so loud Mark was having a hard time. He went back to his room to get some change of clothes for Jinyoung and returned so he can change as well. He knew something was wrong but figure out Jinyoung might be exhausted. He hurriedly dressed himself and left his room.

 

Rather than being overwhelmed by the sight as Jinyoung was currently half naked, Mark’s eyes darted to a silver device attached to Jinyoung’s heart, and he felt sick to his stomach.

 

“No one was supposed to see it.” Jinyoung shook his head as he hurriedly wore the shirt Mark lent him.

 

Mark felt silent but Jinyoung continued to speak once he was fully clothed.

 

“But I guess, eventually many people have figured it out I’m not a normal one.” Jinyoung added, explained. “You noticed it too, didn’t you?” Jinyoung asked, “How I distant myself to people”

 

They were now in the living room. Mark had still no idea how to react or what to say. He wanted to say something but he could not find the right words.

 

“I also don't participate in exhausting activities.”

 

Mark noticed it.

 

“I rarely participate in ---”

 

“In class” Mark finished the sentence. He knew - he realized.

 

Jinyoung smiled at him, “well, I'm not really very subtle about it.”

 

It took Jinyoung a couple of moments because he revealed his secret, “It’s because I wasn’t born with a normal heart” He confessed.

 

Mark has figured it out too because of how Jinyoung acted in classes or how he was treated special by the professors. Or how he usually refrains himself from doing extraneous activities. Mark noticed everything.

 

“You're smart. You figured it out too, didn’t you?”

 

Mark nodded in affirmative.

 

Jinyoung smiled bitterly and Mark hated it for it wasn't a happy smile. _It was a grin of depression_.

 

“But it isn't a simple heart problem.”

 

“People like me don’t get a chance in surgeries because there's something special about the whole composition of my body that it will reject a new heart. The funny thing is, my own heart rejects me”

 

Jinyoung laughed - and Mark hated the laugh. It wasn’t the laugh Mark wanted to hear. And Mark’s heart sank – as it beat strongly against his chest for a very different reason.

 

“This thing” Jinyoung pointed at the gadget attached to his heart “is the indication that I am alive” He blurted out.

 

“The scary part is” Jinyoung bitterly smiled “It can also tell me the day I’ll die”

 

And when Jinyoung left, Mark had realized something – was able to distinguish the difference of his heart beats – the one that glittered for Jinyoung and the one that screamed reality.

And only then did he pick up the clues of a seemingly easy puzzle piece. He was not interested in Jinyoung just because the latter was unique – he was undoubtedly, unsurprisingly in love with him.

 

***

There was still more than a week left before the break was over, Mark had already booked flights to and from America because his family insisted they wanted just a little of his time but he called his parents telling them he won’t make it.

 

***

 

“I’ll help you” Mark blurted out the moment Jinyoung opened the door of his house on a Saturday morning. Mark was not at his best self nor was he confident enough but he was determined. And although his mind was on a haze of confusion painted with worry, his every emotion started and ended with Jinyoung.

It took Mark a couple of daydreams, the constant out of this world pumped of the veins on his arteries, the ever frequently thought of Jinyoung and the sudden realization that he might not be with Jinyoung for a long time that made him realize what he felt for Jinyoung could be summed up – equated to Mark falling helplessly head over heels for his friend. And there was no turning back.

Jinyoung scrunched his face the moment he saw Mark. Jinyoung’s hair was sticking out in different places obvious of the fact that he just got out of bed. His mother had to wake him up because a friend was desperately waiting for him outside – for a second, he looked like he was eager to murder Mark for waking him on a weekend but the glares were soon replaced by confusion because of Mark’s sudden surprising remark.

“Mark Tuan, for the love of God, what the hell are you saying”

If this was a normal day, Mark would have shrieked the moment he saw Jinyoung’s bed hair and his heart would have probably did a gazillion backflips but currently, Mark’s heart somersaulted for a contrasting reason. And he needed to let it all out before his packed courage ran out. 

“I’ll help you” He repeated, much certain this time.

Jinyoung’s had his hands held up high like in a surrender, “Help? what help?”

“Live your life to the fullest”

JInyoung, clearly taken aback, was frozen on his spot.

“It’s cliche, I know and it’s probably be better if my mom said it, you know I’m really really bad at explaining things. My mom is great at that and I bet she’ll” Mark realized he had been talking nonsense and Jinyoung wasn’t a little bit entertained so he paused and sucked in the needed breath and continued, “But Jinyoung, I think you deserve to enjoy every little thing here on Earth. You need to savor every moment you got.” He explained and before Jinyoung could cut the words, Mark persisted, “My mother always told me I only have one life to live and I have to live it to my heart’s content.” He continued not wasting any single time, “I have to enjoy everything as much as I can because if I dont, it’s the same as dying --- but I’m dying while living.”

 

“You’re not dead Jinyoung. You’re alive and you need to feel alive. What good would it make to save your heartbeats if you can’t do anything you love?”

Mark was gasping for air when he finished.

Jinyoung stood there looking at Mark incredulously as if all he uttered were useless words.

“It’s not - it’s not easy.” Jinyoung was holding back his tears. Mark was the first person who has told him those words because others were too fragile about him. They always think he was a fragile glass that needed to be taken care of.

It was different, Mark was different. Instead of pitying him or wanting him to stay out of activities, Mark wished for him to do more – to experience many things. Jinyoung was a teenager too, and he wanted to spend his life normally too but he accepted it a long time ago that he can’t be normal and then here came Mark asking him the things Jinyoung had already tried to keep hidden behind the back of his heart and mind. And Jinyoung could not help but let the tears fall.

“Oh my god, Jinyoung” Mark pleaded “Im sorry. I-Jinyoung please. stop crying” Mark jumped from his spot, ready to console Jinyoung but the latter prevented him.

“Go, Mark.” Jinyoung commanded

“Jinyoung -- ”

“Please. Just go.” And then the door was shut closed.

 

 

***

 

5 hours had passed but Mark refused to move from his spot. He was still sitting on Jinyoung’s front porch as mind repeatedly wondered as to what had transpired. He refused to leave even though he knew Jinyoung had no idea he stayed. Truth be told, Mark was trying to gather up the courage to ring the doorbell again, to say his apologies because he realized he went across the line he shouldn’t have crossed in the first place. His request was too personal - he realized he wasn’t really at place to be saying that to Jinyoung.

But Mark felt the need to. He wanted to help Jinyoung. The little time he spent with Jinyoung made him realized that Jinyoung have his likes and hobbies too and for him to be neglecting all of those just because he was worried about making his life shorter. It was not because he was in love with Jinyoung but he wanted the latter to experience the beauty of the world – the beauty of life. But he guessed, it wasn't really a sufficient reason.

 

When Mark was confident enough to face Jinyoung again, he gathered enough determination, stood up and was about to press the doorbell when the front door suddenly opened.

“Hey” Jinyoung greeted, eyes a little smaller than his usual, probably from all the crying he did the past hours. Mark felt sick to his stomach knowing he was the one who made Jinyoung cry. The last thing he wanted to do was to see Jinyoung upset - so Mark felt really bad knowing he was the sole reason for the tears. He was ready to undo what he has done and take back all the he had said - if that would be make Jinyoung feel better.

 

“I’m so--”

 

“I’ll do it.” Jinyoung abruptly said, the tears were slowly building at the corners of his eyes.

 

Mark stood there, frozen, realizing what Jinyoung had meant. It was purely a combination of emotions.

 

“I’ll live my life to the fullest.” Jinyoung said, crying again this time, “without holding back” but he was smiling.

 

Mark has no words, literally no words to say. His emotion was a mixture of guilt and happiness. But he was overjoyed too, despite the tears that had fallen from Jinyoung’s eyes, the smile Jinyoung was showing was enough for Mark to be confident - to be brave enough to pull out an affectionate action. The smile was too blinding - was too touching, Mark felt lucky to be able to witness such and before Jinyoung could see the tears building up on Mark’s eyes, Mark decided to make a gesture - enough to let his feelings tell the story themselves.

 

_It was the first one - and Mark would treasure it forever._

 

It felt like shooting stars on a dark night, a rainbow after a storm, and the calm breeze of the sea - as Mark pulled Jinyoung in a tight embrace, Mark felt his knees weakened and his heartbeat untamed.

 

 

***

 

“You’re an exceptionally handsome lad.”

 

Mark has been sitting on an airconditioned room for the past 5 minutes but he could feel his whole-body perspiring as Mrs. Park, Jinyoung’s mom, had started a conversation with him. To his horror, Mrs. Park had heard all the things he had said to Jinyoung and had witnessed how he stayed at their front porch and how he had embraced her son for quite a long time. Mrs. Park had to manifestly announced her presence by faking a loud cough which Mark was beyond his wits, surprised and jumped out from his place and regretfully and unwillingly let go of his tight hold. That happened roughly 7 minutes ago and Mark was currently beside Mrs. Park on the linen covered sofa in Park’s household living room.  Dear God, help me. Mark prayed incessantly.

“Mom, don’t scare him.” Jinyoung reminded, voice echoed into the room from the kitchen. Mrs. Park had asked Jinyoung to prepare some snacks for their guest but Mark was assured Mrs. Park didn’t want Jinyoung in the living room.

“Don’t mind us, son, just prepare the sandwiches. Take your time.” Mrs. Park ordered while she flashed an eye-blinding threateningly scary smile at Mark.

“Mom! We ran out of cream cheese” Jinyoung announced as he speedily appeared in the living room. “Can we just order take-out? Mark would love that.”

“No take-out. Go and buy some cream cheese from the mart then.”

“But Mom.”

“Go and buy some cream cheese” The words reverberated slowly, intimidatingly that Jinyoung’s response was just a simple nod and then he instantly fled from the house.

 “I’ll be back really quick” He spared a glance at Mark and nodded apologetically.

Mark was prepared to be scolded, or to be told he was not in a place to utter such statement. He was even expecting to hear that he could not see Jinyoung anymore as he was a bad influence, God, I can’t do that. The thought of not seeing Jinyoung scared him now that he already embraced the idea that he was in love. He had so many scenarios playing on his head that he unexpectedly was immobilized on his spot when he was showered with a hug.

“Thank you.” Mrs. Park instantaneously said, gratefully. “I’m so happy my son has meet a good friend like you.”  Mrs. Park let go and wiped the tears away from her eyes.

 

“I - “ Mark didn’t know what to say.

“We wanted to keep him to ourselves - we want to be with him as long as we can and that’s selfish for us. Jinyoung has made his life devoid of emotion as possible because he was scared that his heart beats will rapidly decrease. Seeing him detaching himself to the world - it made me feel guilty. “

“I have always wanted him to live his life the way he wanted but he believes he shouldn’t because it will shorten his life span. He wanted to spend more time with us, his family. But every time I see him refusing the things he like, neglecting to try new things, and live like he wasn’t living at all - it breaks my heart.”

“You’re right, Mark. What you said - all of those words are true. Jinyoung should live his life to the fullest - without regrets. What is life to live if it was devoid of happiness. “

“I may not know you too well but I know you’re a good boy.”

“And I trust you’re going to help Jinyoung find the things that will make him happy”

“Because if he is happy - no matter how rapid the heartbeats decrease - we will be happy too.”

 

 

***

 

Jinyoung and Mark bonded over the weekend. And Mark has been spending a lot of his time at Jinyoung’s house too. Mrs. Park had been insistent that he joined them for lunch and dinner and Mark didn’t really reject the offer. _Why would he?_

To his surprise, Jinyoung was an excellent cook and he had the rare opportunity to eat Jinyoung’s home cooked meals. He also learned Jinyoung has a beautiful voice and he could not help be in love even more. Mark didn’t know he could still feel more love every day – his love only increasing minute per minute, second per second.

 

“When I was diagnosed with this heart disease, my doctor said to make a to do list.” Jinyoung confessed Sunday night when Mrs. Park insisted Mark stayed the night because the rain would not stop. _For Mark, the rain was a blessing in disguise._

 

“I wrote it in the planner” Jinyoung revealed.

 

Mark’s eyes widened, “the one I found in the library?”

 

 “ _A vaillant Coeur rien d'Impossible”_ Jinyoung uttered, “Nothing is impossible for a willing heart.” He smiled. “These words comforted me when I found out there was no cure. I felt depressed with no one to blame. I lost hope and only functioned because I want my parents to be happy – to be able to be with me as long as I could because they deserve to much.”

 

“But in my heart, I know I want to try things, to make beginnings, to have a normal life. That’s why it’s important to me – the planner. Because it reveals the hidden desire of my heart.”

 

“Let’s do it.” Mark offered.

 

“What?” Jinyoung looked lost.

 

“Let’s accomplish your to-do list.” Mark blurted out.

 

“Together.”

 

 

***

 

It has been two hours since Mark and Jinyoung started talking. But only two hours and 27 minutes since they were separated. Contrary to Mark’s initial observation, and given that he had been friends with Jinyoung for quite some time, also uncovered that he wasn’t really as silent as he was but this reborn Jinyoung was a pretty talkative guy - not so much like Jackson who overly exceeds on being the best talkative guy on the university but Jinyoung had a fair share of talkativeness but Mark, not in any day, would not complain.. Their conversations vary every time - it felt like they had endless topics to discuss with.

The more Mark get to know Jinyoung, the more he fell in love with him. And he was ready to open up his world for him.

“They don’t bite” Mark declared over the phone. Mark, although, from time to time he still got the unusual stomach lurking pain whenever he talked to Jinyoung, had gotten used to it and has managed to improve his conversational skills. Safe to claim that Mark was already relaxed with the constant exchanged of words with Jinyoung - their non-stop chats, voice calls and date-but-not-really-dates greatly influenced the change.

“My friends are all nice - nicer than me” Mark continued to boast. He knew Jinyoung would be warmly accepted into his clique. They were sometime crazy and a little overboard but Mark’s friends were amazing people and he wanted Jinyoung to get to know them better too.

Jinyoung had shared what he really wanted to do - the places he dreamt of visiting and the activities he wished to do. Mark was happy listening to the dreams and wants of Jinyoung - feeling proud that somehow, he met the real Jinyoung - the unmasked one.

And because Jinyoung has listed that he loved to try and sing his heart out in a noreabang, Mark suggested to visit one together with his friends. He had prided himself with the close friends he had and assured Jinyoung he would surely have a good time. Mark told Jinyoung of the adventures and misadventures he had done with Jackson. And how Bambam and Yugyeom clung to them. And Jaebum joined their group too.

 

It was already past midnight, Mark could feel a little pain on his left ear - and it was because his phone was on his ear the whole time. It has been four hours. But the pain was bearable because talking with Jinyoung sufficed the needed pain killer.

Jinyoung was hesitant at first but Mark persuaded him telling him beautiful things for his friends and that he already asked permission from everyone to and all of them were excited to meet Jinyoung. And the fact that Jaebum had invited another person to join them added to the factors why Mark had finally convinced Jinyoung.

Their conversation grew more as Mark had built up the goodness and generosity of his friends - wanting Jinyoung to feel at ease upon meeting them. Mark shared funny stories, told amazing ones and he never forget to mention that his best friend Jackson was a really funny guy, sometimes a little obnoxious but really caring and assured that Jinyoung would surely adore him.

And Jinyoung surely did.

“Jackson, one more song” Jinyoung screamed through the microphone that echoed through the whole room. Jinyoung was smiling from ear to ear while Jackson chose yet another song for his 5th duet with Jinyoung. Mark wasn’t pissed off - he wasn’t sulking at the corner and he definitely not want to strangle Jackson.

Mark was teased a couple of times in the group chat when he announced he would be bringing a plus one to their party. Mark ignored most of the jokers but his heart had fluttered very much. It was a complete mayhem and then Jaebum had suddenly revealed he would bring someone too. And the tables had turned as it was Jaebum’s turn to be teased at. Mark was happy that everyone was okay with them bringing along someone and he was really excited to introduce Jinyoung to all of them. But he wasn’t expecting anything like this.

Jackson even sent him a direct message wanting to know if Mark was dating someone or something had incredible happened but Mark insisted Jinyoung was only a friend but Jackson continuously teased him into liking JInyoung which Mark ignored. When Mark had brought Jinyoung into the noraebang, everyone was already situated. Jaebum’s plus one was Choi Youngjae, a sophomore voice major student - the one who belted out the incredible high notes during the audience.

Everyone warmly welcomed Jinyoung and the latter felt grateful. Jackson even pulled Mark into a corner wanting to confirm their status or if there was any romantic relationship going on which Mark had denied but Jackson just replied, I know you too well. Don’t lie to me. And he even claimed he would be his wingman. With all the promises Jackson had asserted, Mark was confused as to why he was being left out in the supposedly special moment of Mark and JInyoung with Mark’s friends?

  1. He wasn’t acting like it was totally unnerving to witness Jinyoung and Jackson hoarding the microphones to themselves. Youngjae and Jaebum did one song and Youngjae was supposed to be the one singing his heart out because the little sunshine was the main vocal. But no, Jackson was overly excited to sing with Jinyoung.



 

Truthfully, everyone adored listening to Jinyoung too. He could par with Youngjae’s vocal ability too. But it didn't mean Jackson had to join Jinyoung for all the times Jinyoung would sing. Jinyoung could be a soloist and Mark would have loved and appreciated that. But really, Mark was enjoying every part of this karaoke - this was a milestone for Jinyoung and they get to cross out an item too.

 

_Mark was happy. Mark was enjoying listening to Jinyoung._

 

Mark was enjoying watching Jackson slung an arm around Jinyoung’s shoulder while they sang on top of their lungs to the tune of Shinhwa’s This Love which Mark’s first choice of song to sing together with Jinyoung. Mark rarely sings when they visit a karaoke room - he was satisfied listening to his friends belt out high notes, or most of the time failed reaching the right tone but Mark had practiced, even listening attentively to covers and live performances. He tried out the rap verses many times since last night - preparing for this very moment. He imagined how Jinyoung would perfectly belt every note and even though Mark wasn’t perfectly confident with his rap skills, he practiced hard so he could sing This Love with Jinyoung but from all the thousands of songs on the list, Jackson and Jinyoung had to pick This Love to sing. And Jinyoung’s eyes were wrinkling at the sides because he was extremely happy - Jackson even rapped the rap lines and Jinyoung was so ecstatic about it. God damn it.

Mark loved Jackson but there are times he wanted to just punch Jackson in the face.

“Jinyoung, one more song!” Jackson screamed through the microphone while he locked his arms around Jinyoung’s waist. God damn it. Jackson, you fucker!

“Are you okay, hyung?” Bambam poked Mark’s right shoulder. “Why aren’t you singing?” He asked.

Mark wanted to say it was because Jinyoung and Jackson would not want to be disturbed. But he shrugged and faked his answer, “Im not feeling very well.” He lied.

Bambam squinted his eyes accusingly. “Is that why you’re looking at Jackson as if you want to murder him?”

Mark wanted to say yes and reveal everything but he knew the fact that he was being petty so as much as he didnt want to continue his lie, he still did, “No.” Mark insisted, “I’m just no feeling okay.” He said.

Bam smirked, “If you say so.” He sing-songed. “Jinyoung hyung’s kind of cute though” Bambam tried.

And Mark couldn’t control his emotions as his eyebrows started to knot. “Wha--”

“You look good together.”

 

Something strange crawled into Mark’s heart. Bam Bam meant it as an observation but it made Mark enveloped the idea.

Mark had been quiet the whole night even after the rest of the group bid them goodbye. Jackson and Jinyoung were inseparable and even made future plans for their next karaoke trip.

“Jackson said we need to go to Everland next time.” Jinyoung excitedly shared when they were on their way home. And he had been continuously relieving the moments of their - mostly with Jackson - karaoke times. Mark stayed mum trying to wash away the thoughts – not even wanting to listen to anymore. Jinyoung was telling him things that happened not an hour ago – worse, he perfectly witnessed every single one of them.

“Mark?” Jinyoung halted from his tracks noticing how silent the other guy was. “Mark?”  He repeated.

To be truthful, Mark felt tired – exhausted from repeatedly hearing Jinyoung’s happy stories of him with other people. He desired to be that person – the one who could make Jinyoung happy. It took him a couple of quick dilemmas before he could muster a simple reply, “Yes?”

“Are you okay?” Jinyoung tried to pry.  “What's wrong?”

No. I'm not okay. I don't feel really good. Don't talk about Jackson too much. I didn't even get the chance to sing with you. Do you like Jackson? Do you not want my company? Is it because I'm bad at conversations?

There are a lot of things to say but Mark couldn't voice them out. He rarely lie but he felt the need to.

“I don’t feel really well”

Jinyoung scrunched his face and pouted.

“And that's why you were so down the whole night” he said, apologetically. “You should've told me and we could have left early.” Jinyoung replied as he suddenly placed his right palm over Mark’s forehead.

Mark froze at the sudden contact, he felt his cheeks warming up.

“Your temperature’s a bit high” Jinyoung concluded “and you look a little redial too. You need to rest” he demanded. “We should hail a cab. You shouldn't walk.” Jinyoung panicked “Should I call Jaebum and the others? Who are you with in your dorm? Do you have medicines stocked up in your room? How can you--”

“Jinyoung” Mark interrupted “I'm okay”

“No. you don't look okay.”

“I'll be okay.”

But Jinyoung was far from convinced. He wanted to be sure Mark was okay so he decided, to Mark’s utter surprise, to accompany Mark to his dorm. Because for Jinyoung, Mark had helped him so many times, making sure Mark was alright was a little thing.

Mrs. Park was unsurprisingly supportive of the idea. Even promising to send fruits and food to Mark first thing in the morning. It was very casual and endearing too. For all the years Mark had spent in Korea, it was the first time he genuinely didn’t want to return home. It was something so magical – so irresistible normal that even he himself was in awe at how the emotion – feeling called love can trigger all the decisions Mark had been making in his mind.

 

_It feels so perfect everytime I’m with Jinyoung._

Because Mark refused to have Jinyoung sleep on a couch and Jinyoung demanded Mark needed to sleep on the bed; they ended up agreeing they would share a bed. Everything seemed to working perfectly fine to Mark’s content.

 

_God, I love you._

Jinyoung didn’t forget to prepare a meal for Mark; the latter was overwhelmed with Jinyoung’s affection but he wasn’t complaining; he was internally celebrating. And he could not help but imagine a future with Jinyoung.

 

A future where they will live together in a house – Jinyoung would always prepare their meals – they would stay cuddled in the comfort of their bed during rainy days; would share inputs on the books they read and would probability share a kiss or too but just imagining it made Mark blushed. But his imagination took a sudden toll as he realized he wasn’t even sure if Jinyoung felt the same because as far as he know, it was only him who felt crazily in love – not a reciprocating feeling.

 

“You need to sleep early” Jinyoung scolded. “You need to feel better, okay?”

 

Mark nodded. Jinyoung was currently tidying Mark’s bed and gestured for Mark to lie down when he finished.

 

It was a little awkward but Mark was ever grateful for Jinyoung, Mark realized he fell in love with the perfect guy. Jinyoung cleared the air and started a conversation. He talked about Mark’s friends even commenting he had really enjoyed their company and Mark was right about them.

 

 

Jinyoung even admitted he was a little bit sad that they didn't get the chance to sing together and confessed he was shy to ask Mark. Jaebum had warned or shared that Mark didn't really want to be put into a spot or even sing On noreabang so Jinyoung had to ask Jackson instead.

 

_Mark mentally cursed Jaebum._

 

“We can sing now” Mark blurted out.

 

“What?”

 

“Well, I kind of want to sing” Mark sheepishly admitted.

 

Jinyoung laughed, “You’re really weird.”

 

But Jinyoung started to sing and Mark joined him after.

 

And then Jinyoung crossed out _his sing your heart out_ on his to-do list first thing in the morning..

 

 

***

 

The classes started again and because the friendship between Jinyoung and Mark’s friends had already been established. It wasn’t Mark’s friends anymore – they were Jinyoung’s friends too.

 

Much to Mark’s dismay, Jackson and Jinyoung had been extra close with each other. It took Mark weeks, months even before he had the audacity to befriend Jinyoung (thanks to the planner, of course) but Jackson only needed a single night and _poof_ they were already acting as best friends.

 

“Markie, we’re getting pork buns” Jackson claimed while his right was on Jinyoung’s shoulder.

 

“Jinyoung and I will go to the art gallery, wanna join us?”

 

“Let’s go to Lottie World this weekend, Jinyoung want to ride the roller coaster.”

 

“Jinyoung will watch our practice”

 

“Wow. Jinyoung knows how to cook.”

 

_Wang Jackson._

_He wants jealous. He was furious._ Because Jinyoung talked about Jackson a lot in their phone conversations and Mark was really pissed off. Jackson even asked for Jinyoung’s number and the latter gave it away easily.

 

_It was hard. It was really hard._

 

“You like Jinyoung, right?” Jaebum suddenly called his attention while Mark was busy boring holes into Jackson’s soul. Because Jackson was busy busting out funny moves in front of Jinyoung to which he latter clearly was enjoying.

 

Mark didn’t possess the energy to decline to he just released an exhausted long sigh.

 

“Figures” Jaebum laughed. “Do you really feel Jackson is snatching Jinyoung?”

 

Mark, on that question, choked on his saliva. It wasn’t a first hand thought but just a dilemma that he didn’t really want to push through because Jackson was his friend.

 

“Because I know for the fact Jackson also knows you like Jinyoung.”

 

And Mark was stunned he couldn’t courage up a reply.

 

“I think everyone of us do – well maybe not Jinyoung” Jaebum explained, “but Jackson is just eager to know the person who made our Mark hyung’s heart beat”

 

“So don’t be too hard on Jackson. He’s on your side, he is always on your side. We’re on your side”

 

And as if on cue, Jackson turned around, flashed a smile and raised a thumbs up.

 

***

 

The next practice day, a commotion had ensued. Everyone was panicking and on the verge of their seats. It was announced that one of the main vocals, Changsub, from 2B won’t be able to participate in the year end performances as he needed to undergo therapy for his vocal nodules.

 

It was on out of the blue happening that everyone was agitated. They needed someone to fill in the spot immediately. An emergency audition was held forcing everyone to ask their talented friends to join as they were running out of time.

 

“Jinyoung, you need to join the audition” Mark persisted. They were currently in the auditorium as Jinyoung was already a regular in the place – always watching the performances.

 

“Wow. Where did that come from?”

 

“You can sing. You have one of the best voices I’ve heard. You can do it”

 

Jinyoung shook his head, “I don’t have any vocal training”

 

It definitely wasn’t a no; Mark smiled because he could feel Jinyoung also wanted this but the latter lacked the needed confidence.

 

“You don’t need any vocal training. You can do it”

 

“but Mark”

 

“I believe in you” Mark tried.

 

 Eventually, Jinyoung agreed and tried out. Mark was right, Jinyoung was exceptional and everyone adored him. He got the spot and Jinyoung could not help by enveloped Mark into an embrace when it was officially announced that Jinyoung had been chosen as Changsub’s replacement.

 

One by one, Jinyoung had been crossing out the things on his to do list because Mark had always helped him achieved everything. And without Mark realizing, Jinyoung had been adding things on his to do list – activities he’d like to do – together with Mark.

 

Mark turned out had a knack for composing and his song that was submitted was added to the track list. It was a sudden decision made by the organizers because they deemed it was such a waste if the song wouldn’t be included.

 

Everything was happening so fast – every moment added to Mark’s happiness and it was as if God had been blessing him continuously. His relationship with Jinyoung and improved; they’ve become closer together. And the most important part of all the things happening - Jinyoung was happy.

“I was chosen to sing you song” Jinyoung told Mark while they were sitting on the bench under the oak tree.

 

Mark still had not learned how to control the beating of his heart whenever Jinyoung was around, let alone if the lattwr was smiling from ear to ear.

 

It was an unexplainable happiness that he felt when the song he composed for Jinyoung will be sung by him too.

 

“I don’t have words” Mark revealed, “my happiness is beyond words”

 

Jinyoung laughed, eyes crinkling “you’re a better speaker now, Mark Tuan”

 

“Can you sing it for me please”

 

“No.” Jinyoung declined “because I want you to only hear it during the performances”

 

 

Mark joked, “What if something bad happens to me and I wouldnt be able to hear you sing my song?”

 

JInyoung suddenly walked out without a word and Mark needed to run to be able to catch him. And the look on his eyes made Mark feel apologetic.

 

“That isn’t nice.” Jinyoung claimed.

 

Mark would forever remember that day because it was one of the manifestations – one clue – one hint that his feelings might not be unrequited after all. But at that moment, Mark felt his guilt overflowing that all he did was utter an apology.

 

 

***

“Mark, after the performances, I need to tell you something” Jinyoung smiled just before he went inside the dressing room.

 

But the day of the year end performances provided a strong sense of agitation. And it was taking its toll on Jinyoung. As Jinyoung suddenly was suffering from a panic attack – all because of the stress and pressured he was feeling. Mark was supposed to on the other side of the auditorium, in the dressing room meant for dancers but someone had informed him what was happening with Jinyoung.

 

Without any hesitation, he muttered an apology and rushed towards to where Jinyoung was.

 

“Jinyoung, are you okay?” Mark said as he was shaking from fear and worry. Seeing Jinyoung suffer like this put a pang in Mark’s heart. Only then he realized he would not be able to take it all in if something bad happened to Jinyoung.

 

“You need your medicine. Where are your meds, Jinyoung?” Mark was panicking for he couldn’t think straight. All he wanted was Jinyoung to be okay.

 

“My mom.” Jinyoung muttered.

 

And Mark wasted no time as he swiftly – desperately tries to locate JInyoung’s mother from the crowd because they couldnt contact her due to having a bad reception. Mark needed to run back and forth from the dressing room to the doors of the hall because he could not leave Jinyoung for a long time.

 

When finally, Mark saw Jinyoung’s mother, a small amount of burden had been washed away. But Jinyoung’s mom suddenly was grief stricken to as Jinyoung’s medicine was in his bag and his bag was on the other side of the building.

 

“I’ll get it” Mark wasted no time as he sprung – ran as fast as he could. He even forgot to use the elevator as his mind was only perceiving one thing – it was to get Jinyoung’s medicine.

And only when Jinyoung was breathing normally could Mark begin to breathe again.

 

_It was as if his life depended on Jinyoung too._

 

 “Mark” Jackson called him once he was back on his own dressing room “You need to rest.” He demanded.

Mark could only offer his smile, “I’m okay. It’s okay” He replied.

“But, Mark.” Jackson protested.

“EVerything’s fine.” MArk insisted, “I’m happy.”

 

_I’ve never been this happy._

 

 

 

***

 

“Where’s Mark?” JInyoung asked, just before he entered the stage. “He was just here awhile ago.”

 

“Maybe he went to sit with your mom?” Youngjae tried. Jinyoung seemed to accept the answer and confidently  went to the stage.

 

Jackson panicked. “Where’s Mark?”

 

“I dont know”

 

“I’ll find him.”

 

JInyoung sang his heart out knowing Mark was listening. _This is for you,  are you listening?”_

 

Everyone was on their feet when Jinyoung finished his song. It was beautifully sang and the lyrics made it even more beautiful. JInyoung’s mom arrived at the dressing room enveloping his son into a tight embrace, “You did great! Did Mark get to see that? Where is he?”

 

“I thought he’s with you?” JInyoung asked, confused.

 

“No.”

 

“What?” Jinyoung asked. “Where is he? What is happening?”

 

 

***

 

 

 

“Things don’t go the way I planned it.” Mark murmured under his breath. “This” He pointed to his heart “was supposed to be good for a couple of more days”

 

Mark didnt wish for everyone to know - and he would not want to create a scene - because doing so would steal all the spotlight that was meant to be for Jinyoung so he searched for a secluded area in which he could still hear what was happening in the grand hall. And all he could find was the bench under the old oak tree. There were speakers everywhere and he could perfectly listen to Jinyoung as he prayed desperately to still prolong his life - because he badly wanted to hear Jinyoung sing his song. He knew that a person dying in school would cause a national outpour of news but he had no choice - he wanted to hear Jinyoung sing his song – a song he wrote for Jinyoung.

 

“Let me be selfish - one last time.”

 

Mark decided as he recalled the times he thought of admitting to Jinyoung that he had the same disease – that they were both counting the heartbeats. That he had so little heartbeats left when he met him and he was afraid to admit it because telling the truth might change everything.

 

Jinyoung didn’t need to add an additional burden to himself – Mark didn’t want Jinyoung to feel burdened because of him. Mark wanted Jinyoung to realize how beautiful living is.

 

Before meeting Jinyoung, Mark’s goal was to live his life to the fullest and would always want to consume the heartbeats left on his chest. But Jinyoung changed everything.

 

Mark had begged all the dieties, prayed to all the Gods, wished to every fairy to prolong – to add more heartbeats because he wanted to live longer so he would be able to be with Jinyoung.

 

But Mark also realized that maybe Jinyoung was the answer to his question, _why am I still alive?_

 

“I should have confessed” Mark laughed at his own stupidity. But he didn't feel any remorse or even a spark of regret because meeting Jinyoung would suffice all the bad luck he had to go through - would be enough of a reason for Mark’s life to be perfect - and fulfilled.

 

Jinyoung has been the answer to the many questions and endless detours. It was because he met Jinyoung that Mark has been able to live his life to the fullest.

 

“A stolen kiss would have been perfect too.” Mark chuckled imagining what could have been Jinyoung’s reaction if Mark stole a kiss from him.

 

“Please - just hang in there” He begged, for the numbers on his heart was slowly decreasing, “I just want to hear his voice - one last time”

 

“Let me hold your hand~~”

 

Mark didn’t regret not finishing all the performances he needed to fill in the year-end performances nor was he upset about it. Before, he thought dance was everything for him but, when he met Jinyoung, it changed everything.

 

As Mark listened to Jinyoung’s voice boomed into the speakers surrounding the university, he felt satisfied.

 

 “Aahh, so beautiful.” Mark’s smile wasn’t wavering as his heart was loudly, screaming, hammering, pushing every heartbeat into its limit enjoying every bit of time he has left.   Mark’s smile for Jinyoung - might be the biggest smile Mark had ever given in his entire life. 

 

“You did great.” Mark murmured feeling proud he was still alive while he patted his chest slightly for his heart had cooperated with him. He never kept track of the average heartbeats he losses every day; he wasn’t aware of how many counts would disappear for a certain activity. But he knew, as of the moment, he didn’t have enough.

 

“What a beautiful life I have lived.” By this time, the overflowing happiness Mark was experiencing was enough to bring him to tears. “Jinyoungie~”  He breathed out, the numbers were decreasing rapidly.

 

 

“I love you.”

 

And before Mark’s eyes closed, he smiled as he heard a familiar voice. And it was indeed a perfect life he lived.

 

 

“You made my life worth living. I love you more than you can imagine”

**Author's Note:**

> I've decided to write a stand alone Jinyoung POV of this fic because I've been invested and truly fell in love with the plot. Thank you for reading. Until we meet again, nothing is impossible with a willing heart :)


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